My Kind of Crazy....

After a lot of thinking, praying and wondering, I've decided to leave Simple Sayings and start a new blog. I hope you'll follow me over to Embrace the Crazy as I start a new journey in my life.

Hope to see you there. :)

PS - I imported all of my old blog entries to the new blog, so you can catch up over there.

Lists, Houses and Chipotle

Looking for a home can be frustrating, intimidating and scary. It is the biggest financial investment most people ever make in their life, but it can be a truly satisfying and exciting experience.

Bryan and I are just in the dipping-the-big-toe-to-test-how-cold-the-water-is stage of buying a home. A few months ago when we were frantically trying to find another rental home, we were told about a local grant that gives a loan (with great incentives) to first-time home buyers that meet a specific income. We weren't even thinking about buying a home at that time, but we figured it couldn't hurt.

So, I met with a broker one evening after work armed with all of our personal information. Unfortunately, the news was not good, we weren't qualified. We made "too much" money for a family of two people. I'll never forget, she looked at me hopefully after telling me that we were denied for the grant, "Do you have a child?" I've never seen such disappointment on a strangers face when I said I didn't.

The good news was that we both have good credit and were approved for a loan. GREAT news. So, I filled Bryan in after the meeting and we decided to try to find a home.

After we find me a new car.

After we buy him a new truck.

After we pay off all of our credit cards.

After we start up all of our new insurances and create a new monthly budget.

Finally, all of that is done and we are ready so start looking!

We had plans tonight to go to Guitar Center and Chipotle. I heart Chipotle. It's delicious. Bryan and I always share a burrito now and we sometimes spring for chips and guac. Mmmmmm.. Oh, sorry back to the point of this post.

During our meal I pulled out my handy-dandy notebook that I keep in my purse. I started writing down things that are important to me about a house. Obviously, you can't get everything you have ever dreamed of in your first home. But there are some things you are willing to let go of and some things that you are adamant about.

My list (below) included four items that were important to me, in no specific order.

1. Bathrooms - Are the big enough? Is there at least one tub? Would we have to renovate? Is there potential to expand?

2. Kitchen - Are the cupboards in good condition? Are the appliances older/newer? Is there a gas stove? Is the kitchen roomy enough to actually cook in? Is there enough counter space?

3. Location - Is the property in a nice/safe area? What school district does the house fall in?

4. Fireplace - Does the house have a wood burning or gas insert?

Of course, every one has different priorities when thinking about purchasing a home. But those things are important to me personally and I am obviously not saying the above four things should be on every one's list.

I turned the page to a fresh sheet and hand Bryan the notebook after explaining my list and I say, "Don't be flip. I need to know what is important to you."

Here is a picture of Bryan's list.

Apparently, the only thing Bryan cares about in picking a house is if I am going to be there and if there is a big backyard for his dog.

I definitely have my work cut out for me.

Google Vs. Yahoo

Yahoo:

Why is it always about me?

Google:

Why is it always about you?

Touché, Google. 1:0.

Jonah's EB Auction

Right now, until February 27, you can participate in an auction that benefits the organization DebRA.

DebRA helps families like the Williams Family and the Turnquist Family during some of the hardest moments of their lives.

There are two ways to participate:

1. Go to JonahsEBAuction blog and start bidding on items.

2. Go to Meghann Turnquist's Avon page and buy items you would normally purchase anyways - but this time it goes to a very special charity.

Actually, there are three ways! You can always go directly to debRA.org to submit a donation and rest assured, you are donating to an a charity that provides assistance to families that are hit with a genetic disease that no one really knows about, they are searching for a cure, and they provide hospitals with knowledge of how to treat EB babies.

THANKS!

In Honor of Valentines...

Valentine's Day.

Where do I even start?

As trite as it sounds, I love love. Love is one of the most powerful emotions the creatures on earth experience. You have love between spouses, love between parents and their children, love between two children, and love is even so powerful it can be experienced between humans and animals.

I do not, however, love Valentine's day. I feel like a lot of men love Valentine's day because it can be their "catch-all" day. I would guess that for most of the other 364 days men don't pay attention to the romantic needs of their prospective wives and girlfriends. They don't woo their women after they have sealed the deal and they use Valentine's day as a way to go all out for their partners.

Which frankly, sucks.

I'm sure a lot of women say they hate February 14 on a rule, because if they set their sights low, the man they are dating could just take them out to dinner at McDonald's and it would be an improvement. But then again, a lot of women might REALLY look forward to it because they know it is the ONE DAY that their man might do something really spectacular and that falling-in-love feeling comes back for a moment, oozes into the next few days and then finally tapers away.

And lets not forget, some men might use Valentine's day to make up all the time they spent thinking about and watching football, and then also having three or four different fantasy football leagues to attend to. So, they do something sweet for all the time their wives wasted on making dip and grabbing them chips from the pantry.

Sigh. How sad. All of those versions up there just make my heart ache.

As much as I can see why the idea of having a day to honor love could be admirable; To actually sit down and think about where you would be without the love of your family and friends. To take a step back and just remember the feelings you felt for your man or woman when loved stopped being a flutter in your stomach and became more of a choice and commitment. It seems like a good idea, in theory. In practice? I don't know. I'm not convinced yet. I feel like there is just not enough expressions of love during the rest of the year.

Now, just for the sake of saying it, expressions of love don't have to be over the top and costly. When my husband takes out the trash without me having to ask, that is a huge expression of love. When he feeds our dogs every day like clock work, its an expression of love. Even when he carts off to work to provide for our life together, that is an expression of love. And most days, I have to remind myself to take a moment to THINK about it. To remember that doing the tedious things we do for each other is a very important expression of love.

But there also has to be more than that. A man should court his wife every day. He should give her devoted attention and he should flirt with her and woo her just like he would if he was still trying to spark up a relationship with her. He should do things on a weekly or biweekly basis, like write her love notes and/or leave a flower on his pillow if he leaves before her in the morning. It should be a constant. Romance is so absolutely and completely necessary in a relationship.

Such simple things can be done to keep it alive. Maybe Valentine's day has killed the meaning of romance. Romance doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It doesn't have to be running through a town in Italy to stop her from marrying someone else. It certainly doesn't have to be thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. That is not what it needs or has to be. Its small things. Small continual moments, running after her out the door to give her just one last kiss, surprising her with a cup of coffee and the book she's obsessed with on a Saturday morning. It's running her a bath at the end of a rough day. Such simple, non-monetary expressions of love that will keep her eyes only on you.

That is what love is all about... Well, at least to me.

What I DO love about Valentine's day is kind of specific to my job. Its so cute to get a couple of students in the office that hand out Valentine's day cards, looking so sweet and giving. They get so excited when they hand their special card to you.

Two days ago two little girls, of Kindergarten age, came in and one handed us each a book-marker and the other handed us a valentine. When I said thank you and they moved on, I looked at them both more closely.

The second little girl, Lainee, gave a Valentine's day card that was a jumbled puzzle! And each piece was a sticker, which you would peel off and stick to the other side, in the appropriate numbered box.

This is the front, almost halfway through the Valentine card.

This is the back! So far so good!


Ta-DA! So cute. Its a PUG. And its kind of awesome because I have... or had a pug. My dad kind of adopted her! :)


On other love-related news, its February 12. It would be my Mom and Dad's anniversary. And even though they don't celebrate it, us girls still do. It's still a part of our history. The best thing my Mom and Dad ever did was have us girls... for me, specifically Alie and Kari. I'm so happy that when I was little I had annoying big sisters to pick on me and be there for me. Now, I'm even happier that my big sisters are my best friends.

Always,

You, Me, plus Three...

On the exterior, one would think that this 'branch' of the Vickers Family Tree is made up of just Bryan and I. The one who would think that would be wrong.

Bryan and I have children. Three to be exact. Are the human children? No. There are furry children. And over the past couple of weeks, I have had some serious mommy moments.

This all started around January 2, 2010. When we started looking for a new house to rent. The house we are in right now is so cute and I love it, but we've outgrown it already... And we can't have Cali here.

This is Cali.

Cali is our first born. She's a good, smart dog that talks a lot of crap to you when she doesn't like what you are saying. (I swear, I'll get it on video sometime so you can see her attitude. Girl is fierce!) We became her parents with a girl that I worked with at Mervyn's found her. She couldn't keep her and I told her that I knew just the person that would love her. Bryan adores German Shepherds. So we took her home the night we met her and she was ours ever since. When she was younger, Bryan refused to listen to me to take her to get her shots. So of course, she got really sick. She was so miserable. I was visiting in Salinas, and wouldn't leave my side. I just held her on the couch until I finally begged Bryan to take her to a vet. He didn't need much convincing. Luckily, she survived and she's our baby-girl. Even if she weighs as much as an elephant and always steps on my feet.

This is Danny.

Danny was born on May 5, 2005. When I moved in with Bryan and Rick in October of 2005, I was so homesick and lonely that I went to the SPCA, looking for a pet that could be a Farpella, with me. I wasn't looking for any pet in particular, my criteria was: cuddle-bug, nice, distinct personality. That's it. Danny's story was so sad. A bicyclist found Danny on an overpass bridge on the 168 outside of Salinas. He or she was passing by and saw a pet carrier tossed on the side of the road. When he/she stopped, there were multiple kitties in the carrier, but only Danny and one other cat was alive. The bicyclist grabbed the carrier and biked to the SPCA (which is miles up the 168, in the middle of no where) and handed them over. Danny was the only one that survived. When I first met him, Bryan was with me and he was perfect. He had such a

personality. He liked to be held, which made me hope that he'd be a cuddler and he played like CRAZY with the toys. I handed over the $65 dollars (which was and IS a small fortune for a cat, but whatever) and Danny became a Farpella. And yes... he is a cuddler......... but only on his terms.

Ps... He just bit me. I think he was reading over my shoulder.

This is Duey.

Duey's real name is Dumbledore. I first met him when Brian, an old high school friend of mine brought him up to Fresno with Denise and I were living together. Brian had found him and was trying to find his home but was having no luck. Duey (at the time called, Duder) was a puppy and I fell hard! I told Brian that I would adopt him if he was unsuccessful in finding the owners. And I did! When Duey has his hair grown out he is white and fluffy, which reminded me of Dumbledore. And since he now answered to Duder and Doody, I decided to call him Duey, since it was close enough that he wouldn't get confused. He is such a sweetheart. He's not very intelligent, but he makes up for it by being completely adorable and a snuggler!

So, now that you've formally met my entire family, I'm sure you can tell why I would have Mommy moments when people treat my animals unjustly.

Which brings me to the real reason for this post.

Bryan and I are trying to find a house to lease for the next year or two before we buy or build. We're looking for a nice house, of standard proportion, in a nice neighborhood. We've narrowed our search to a three bedroom, two bathroom house with a nice background for the pets.

Pretty standard right? And while there are things I would love - like his and her sinks in the master bathroom, I can live without it. There are things, however that I won't live without.

MY BABIES.

I have been so angry over the lack of houses that allow pets. AND, the budget range that we have set ourselves in is not overwhelming nor is it underwhelming. Its healthy for the area we live in. We're talking $1000-1200. Hanford is a small town folks, you should be able to get a pretty nice house in this area for that much.

Key word being, should. I can't believe the state of the rental houses I have been shown. Buying a home is the BIGGEST investment most people ever make. It is not to be taken lightly. And the decision of renting, who to rent to, and who to have as a property manager is not something that can just be picked out of a hat. It seems that so many people rented to people that should never had keys to a home and those people destroyed the houses.

We went into one house - in a pretty good neighborhood, that had fist holes all over the walls and doors. We went to another area in a very nice and coveted neighborhood that was missing the glassware on light fixtures, had boards missing out of the fences and the toilets were dirty. And the best part - both houses were advertised as $1100. No joke.

I have called every house (that fits our criteria) that is advertised online and in the newspaper. That's at least 50 houses. And I get more and more upset when this dialogue happens.

"Hi, I'm calling on the house advertised in the Hanford Sentinel. Is it still available?"

"Yes, it is. Its a three bedroom, two bathroom on (insert street). It has a two door garage with an automatic door, and lawn service is included."

"Oh, that sounds great. Do you have a pet policy?"

"Uhhh.... uhhmmmm... what kind of pets do you have?"

"Well, we have three rescued pets. A german shepherd, an outside cat and a maltese/poodle mix. And we do have Renter's insurance."

"Oh, yeah. No, no pets. Sorry."

"Ok. Well I hope you trip and fall down."

...Okay, I don't really say that last part. But I think it. Its house, after house, after house. It is very frustrating.

I understand that pets can be messy. They can have accidents. They make mistakes. But guess who else does? PEOPLE. Children! I say, if you allow families that have children you should allow pets. Its pretty much the same thing. And if they do chew something up or ruin something? Guess what - the renters are LIABLE. That is why there is something called a deposit and a pet deposit. Because if something should go wrong, you have an extra thousand or so dollars to fix it. And, the lease should state that the house should be returned as it was when it was leased, beside "normal" wearing over time. That's like... worn carpet on the constantly used paths.

So, the house hunt is pretty horrible. And I'm super discouraged. But Bryan is trying to be a little ray of sunshine by telling me that it will all work out.

I sure hope so.

Weekend Recap

A couple of nights ago, Bryan told me that one of the guys from the band he has been playing with lately invited us to go out to Jimbo's with all of them and their wives on Saturday. I'd never been and I figured it would be fun. It would also give me a chance to get to know the guys since Bryan has been and will be spending so much time with them. We accepted the invitation and looked forward to it.

When Saturday came around, Bryan worked and I fixed up my blog. (Did you notice?) I decided that I needed a change. I'd really like to dedicate more time to SSMM but its hard. I often think to myself that I should take pictures of whatever we happen to be doing at the time, but then I chastise myself. I have to remember to LIVE my life... not just capture it. It's a tight rope, but I hope to do a better job of balancing the two. I would love to be able to look back on this little diary of mine, and revert back to these moments.

Anywho, my sister, Kari and her husband, Adam, came by the house to bring my wedding bins, a end table and a few other things. Bryan arrived home a few minutes after we were done looking at everything and we decided to play a few rounds of Mario Kart on the Wii. SO MUCH FUN. It was nice being able to hang out with them... They are hilarious. After they took off, I went to shower and ready myself and we ended up leaving the house around 6:45. I begged Bryan to stop by Starbucks. I am loving those Christmas gift cards! It was a nice little treat to keep the chills away - not to mention it pepped me up for what I knew would be a late night.

I haven't had In-N-Out in forever so that is where Bryan and I decided to eat. When we were done, the VZ Navigator took us out to Timbuktu instead of where we wanted to go. It was kind of hilarious... We ended up WAAAAY out in the country on East Bullard where there was no 'night life' in sight... besides the coyotes that were hanging around, I'm sure.

We finally arrived at our destination. Jimbo's is a pretty cool place... With a lot of different characters. The band ended up being pretty good and one of the wives we were with managed to get Bryan on stage.

It was a great time and even better was the fact that we had made plans to go Garage sale shopping when we woke up on Sunday. Except that we didn't. We made it home late, and by the time we were up and around it was too late. Instead, I threw all the fixings into the crock pot for Taco Soup and we went out on the town.

We drove around a bunch of local neighborhoods that we would want to live in. Our lease is ending at the end of this month, so we'll be moving. Its stressful and exciting all at once. Then, we went to return Christmas stuff at Target and FYE. Bryan had gotten me hot rollers, which I wanted super badly) but they didn't work on my hair. He also bought me Bones: Season 3 and 4 for Christmas, except I already had season 3... and one of the discs for season 4 didn't work! We exchanged the season 4 for a new one,

and I chose Dollhouse: Season 1 instead. LOVE. THAT. SHOW. I was really happy.

We spent some time in Game Stop and Borders since we both had gift cards but we left empty handed. They didn't have the book that I wanted and Bryan couldn't find anything he wanted so we decided to wait. I succeeded in getting Bryan to let me go to Ross because I've been looking for filler for a vase that I bought at Big Lots (for ten dollars! Love that place.) and I found some that matched perfectly! It was a successful outing!

Rick, Bryan's Dad, came over for some Mario Kart and dinner. We decided at the last minute to go see Up in the Air, the new movie with George Clooney. Folks, it's a dud. Totally not a good movie to pay for. At the end, you feel empty. It gives you no feelings of happiness, sadness, retribution, excitement, mystery.... absolutely nothing. Its not horrible... its just a flop. Anna Kendrick (known recently for her part in Twilight and New Moon) did a pretty great job though. She's a promising little actress.

Today marks the end of a four and a half day weekend for me, so its off to bed so I can work tomorrow. Hopefully the day flies by and I'll be on my way to the gym for Yoga and then off to Kari and Adam's for dinner. Seems to me like it'll be a great day tomorrow!

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

This year, Bryan and I decided to have a couple of friends over the house to play games and hang out. Since our lease is up at the end of January, we decided that it would be more frugal then going out on the town. It ended up being us and Denise, Anna, Colleen and Jordan.

It was fun and laid back! Next year though, we're gonna party! Maybe.... Vegas? Who knows!

Here are a few pictures of our night!

To Make You Feel My Love...

Here are some wedding photos! This took forever. I hope that Blogger updates their photo uploading process soon. Jeez!

I Forget...

I've done So. Much. the last few weeks that my time line is all screwy.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before, but I was elected in July to be the Committee Chair for the Young Republicans Formal. Luckily, I was saved from doing this task alone because Andy quickly assumed the role of Co-Chair and I probably owe him my life, or first born, or something. Because there is no way I would have been able to do it without him.

On top of that, we had a GREAT bunch of people that helped us with the planning and decorations (Shout-out to Kelly Brown - who is amazing and totally should have been an honorable mention during the event, and Justin Dutra who put forth a ton of effort in selling tickets and being there through pretty much, every step of the way.)

It was especially nice because my "vision" was something that Kelly saw very clearly, and together we worked out the kinks. I explained what I was going for and she made it happen - all on a budget. It was suuuh-weet.

The event was held at Jack Stones Barn, we had a great turn out and I heard so many good things about it. I think it is definitely going to grow over the next five years to be one of the biggest Young Republican events, whether I am a part of it or not.





The tables came out perfectly. It was a great night all around and I can't WAIT for next years!!

My FAVORITE Neice... (for now, anyways)

I really don't even want to be typing this right now. I don't want to acknowledge, again, that its true.

My Emmers has turned 5 years old this year. WOW. Time has just whipped by. Crazy how it does that. Sometimes I can't believe how old I am, how old my friends are, that my sisters are married, that one of my sisters already has two kids, and another precious one of the way. Then Kari and Adam will add to their family, and Alison's kids will have cousins. COUSINS. That is just insane to me. But its also normal. I guess it'll always feel weird because I still see my sisters as they were when we were young. Heck, I still flip out when I look at the mirror. I remember wanting to be older, to be in love, to have long hair and be able to wear make-up. I wanted to be a grown up so badly. Now that I am, I'm like... Whooooa. No way, I'm still just a kid, until I look in the mirror and find that even though I look very similar to 8-year-old me, I have grown and matured. Which is the weirdest thing. Ever.

I digress. Emma wanted to get her ears pierced, badly. She was ready. Alison and Mark told her that for her birthday, if she still wanted to get it done, then that would be her present. Well, if you know anything about Emma, you know that she has a mind like her Mom. As soon as she gets something in her head, she follows through.

So, all of her aunts and her nana (Grandma was out of town that weekend) joined Alison and Emma to watch her experience the right-of-passage of getting her ears pierced at Claires in the local mall.

It was HIGHlarious. Emma was so nervous, but was acting so brave. Then, they marked her ears, and Alison checked, and double checked, and triple checked that they weren't lopsided. The two girls lined up and as soon as they did it, Emma SCREAMED and then burst into tears. She was over it pretty quickly, and she just wanted a mirror to look at her pretty new earrings.

Kari has a video of it, and once I get my hands on it I'll post for your viewing pleasure. (That's right Claires - We took video. So HA to you and your stinking rules.)

Enjoy the photos!

Haha, a classic Emma smile while for the chicks as Claires to come over.


All of us were talking to both Alie and Em to ease their nerves.


Emma hugged that bear so tight, she would have killed it if it had been real.


Getting her ears marked so that they were just right!


Alison encouraged her the entire time.

Emma's tears made her Momma cry!

Both Mom and Daughter survived the piercing!

Emma, cheesing it with her brand new accessories! :)

Many years ago...

A few weeks ago, my Mom and I went searching for the venue for the impending wedding. We went up to Orange Blossom Junction, and although it was quaint, it wasn't "right."

We got all nostalgic on the way there though, because we used to travel that way to church many years ago, when our family was still just the 5 of us. We decided to take the rest of the drive, since it had been years, so we could see what became of our little church nestled in the foothills.

This is what we saw:

This is the front of the church and the main entrance.

This is where the babies and toddlers would go to Sunday School.


Inside this door is where the elementary school children would learn about Jesus and color - cause the two things really go hand in hand at that age.


This is the side view of the main room in the little chapel, and of a bench I remember sitting on after church. It was "the spot" for me and my two friends.

It was a really crazy experience to go back after all these years. My Mom and I were kind of thrown back in time while we reminisced over the old days.

A Simple Mistake

Soo... I went to Applebees for lunch about a month and a half ago and I ordered their yummy Chicken Broccoli Alfredo Bowl (which is one of the very, very few items I like at Applebees) and couldn't finish it, as usual.

I took the rest home, so that I could take it to work. However, the bowl in which to heat it up in was forgotten. Knowing that if I microwaved Styrofoam I'd have a mess on my hands, I went with this:



Seemed like an A-OK thing to do at the time. Until I pulled this out of our dinosaur of a microwave:

. . . Oops. Luckily, no one saw my disaster, and I was able to slip it into another bowl without detection. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die 5 years early for eating melted plastic though. :)

A Lot to Catch Up On

So, planning a wedding in five weeks took up much more time than I thought, so I am radically behind on my postings.

As of right now, I've had a headache for 4 days - tomorrow will make it 5. I'm praying that when I wake up tomorrow, I won't have a headache. Saturday night it peaked to a migraine, but since then, I've been just living will this severe pain that at sometimes, I can work with... Other times, I wince from how much pain.

This has to be bad, right? I mean - A brain can only take so much.

Oh well, enjoy a few of the posts that I should have posted years ago. Hopefully this will make up for my absence.

I'm pretty sure this post is not "making good use of my time."

A conversation Bryan and I had this afternoon.

*ring*

Bryan: Hey! Working hard or hardly working!

Me: Eh... Working hard...er than earlier. (We spoke earlier in the day and I told him I was having a hard time concentrating.) What are you doing?

Bryan: I'm just leaving the store.

Me: *gasp* REALLY? Will you stop by a gas station and get me chocolate? Pleeeaaasssssee??

Bryan: Whaat? No! Chocolate is bad for you and it gives you migraines.

Me: NO it doesn't. I'm craving some! Its the whole hormones thing, babe! Please!

Bryan: No, (then he probably said something that translates to, "I'm not getting you chocolate because I don't understand what it is to be a woman and I am insensitive to the whole menstrual process." Although, I'm not sure if that is what he meant because I stopped listening after he said "No." and started thinking of a really good reason why he should get me chocolate.)

Me: Babe. I really need some chocolate! All you have to do is grab it and drop it off on your way in to town. It's not like its out of the way!

Bryan: Yes it is! I'm already on the freeway!

Me: WHAT THE HECK!? You just said you were right by the store.

Bryan: No! I was already on the freeway when I told you that. And I don't think there are any stores between here and there.

Me: UGH. Whatever. Bye.

*click*

So, thirty minutes later Bryan shows up and THIS is what he hands me:

M&Ms and a Hershey's Bar. Not bad. Except that its not good either. Its DARK chocolate. And if its DARK chocolate that means its not MILK chocolate which is what I was craving.

Conversation between Bryan and I about the "chocolate" he brought.

Me: What is this?

Bryan: Chocolate.

Me: Its DARK chocolate.

Bryan: Its better for you.

Me: Babe! I don't want better for you! I wanted a Snickers!

Bryan: Chocolate can give you migraines!

Me: Bryan. Chocolate and Dark chocolate are two different things. Chocolate is chocolate and Dark Chocolate is chocolate. I mean, ugh! Its NOT chocolate! Dark chocolate is NOT chocolate! Its different! And whenever someone says they want/need DARK chocolate they always specify. I said CHOCOLATE.

Bryan: I think its ridiculous that I had to go get you chocolate for you not to be mad at me.

Me: I wouldn't have been mad! I mean, besides the whole PMS thing. I just wanted some chocolate!!!

Bryan: You were too. You were all, whatever. Bye.

Me: Look. Thank you for bringing me chocolate. I just wanted like.. a Reese's Buttercup or something. Not this.

Bryan: Ugh.

My work phone starts ringing.

Me: Okay. Love you babe.

Bryan: Love ya. Bye.

-

After I dealt with the phone call, I posted this on Facebook.


And of course, I spelled menstrual wrong. UGH. I blame it on the LACK. OF. CHOCOLATE.

PS. I still love Bryan and he is amazingly amazing for getting me chocolate, albeit not the kind I wanted.

PPS. I don't have a specific problem with dark chocolate but when you are craving CHOCOLATE and you get DARK its very disappointing.

PPPS. Chocolate has not been linked to my migraines. I'm pretty sure my unhealthy diet has something to do with it but it is mostly because of me STRESSING about my job, unhealthy diet and love-handles. Also, stressing about getting dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate can create migraines. So I guess chocolate does affect migraines (Read: Bryan was right) .

A New Commitment

Its amazing to me how quickly life spins you into different phases of your life. Lately, I have hardly had time to stop and breathe let alone stop and think about all the things that are happening right now in my life.

I was thinking the other day of how this looks to people on the outside. When I look at it, its hard for even me to discern the catalyst of the past few weeks.

I am getting married.

I am getting married??

Crazy. Insane. Nothing I would ever have predicted a year ago, six months ago, three months ago. This past year and a half has been... indescribable. Its zoomed past me, almost totally on its own. And now, its halted, at this major event and then after? Will it be a slow and peaceful life? Will it be fast paced and full of adventure with my new husband? Will it be hard? Will it be easy? Will we make it?

Those questions have been swirling in my head and all I can come up with is YES. YES. It will be slow and peaceful at times. YES, it'll be filled with new adventures. Yes, it'll be hard at times and easy at times. Will we make it? YES.

Bryan and I have loved each other since I was 14 years old. Fourteen. Years. Old. Of that time we have spent about three years apart. Including the last year and a half. We clicked in a remarkable way when we met in Lemoore so many years ago. We have spent hours upon hours on the phone talking about life, love, family, God - and all of the other run of the mill topics. We have been linked in such a profound way that I am not really all that surprised by this.

But I know some of you are. Which I suppose is a reason for this post.

Three months ago I was dating Michael. I'm sure you remember him. I would usually refer to him as Mike B. but that was 86'd when the other Michael exited from my life (and blog!). So, Michael was amazing. He was a tad bit younger than me, but was unlike anyone I had ever met. I just reread that sentence and I have to amend - Michael IS amazing. He is going to be a catch for a really lucky girl. And I hope that she makes him so happy that he can barely stand it. He deserves it much more than he thinks he does.

Things started to fall apart between us, and in July, some really awful things were happening to me. Personally, professionally, I was taking a hit. It was one thing after another. A rough slope and my body was just bouncing on each event harder and fast than the one before. I couldn't keep up. Things between Michael and I continued to deteriorate and we both just checked out.

Fast forward to August. Bryan moved back from L.A. where he had been attending The Musicians Institute. We hung out one day - purely as friends - to catch up on each others lives. I told him about everything that was going on with me and he filled me in on everything that was going on with him. I told him about how I was involved with the Young Republicans club and how I had been elected to be Chair of the Formal Committee and how Andy saved my life by signing up to be my co-chair. He started to ask questions about my involvement and the things we did as a group. He was interested in the people I had met through the club.

I told him that I had already met so many great people and I hoped that our club would continue to grow and be active. He asked if there were any guys there that I thought were cute. Of COURSE there were guys in there that was cute. And I mentioned one in particular that I had enjoyed conversing with. Then I was quick to amend, "but he doesn't look at me that way." This spiraled a whole bunch of different conversation that on my end, isn't too important to the story.

I had enjoyed talking to Bryan, so we continued to hang out here and there as friends. One night, Bryan mentioned that our relationship had been an either - just commit to it and ride it through, or get away from it completely. Which I agreed with. Because we are So. Incredibly. Different. we are very passionate people about opposite things which in some cases, is an awesome and amazing thing. In other instances, it can be the sources of fighting over stupid things and being controlling over certain situations.

Things started to calm down (in some aspects) of my life and I was getting a handle on things. Michael and I were over completely by now which is something that is hard to adapt to. The end of any relationship fills you with this... What do I do with myself now? complex. I was already SO busy, but it was the nights that were hard...and the weekends. Michael and I hung out so much that there were blocks of time that I'd just be what now? So, luckily, I had projects to stretch out in that time and I had Denise and Anna who filled up the rest.

Then, slowly but surely, Bryan and I spent more time together. As our time together grew, our conversations with each other went to a deeper and more complex place. A while later, I realized that my feelings for Bryan had resurfaced with a vengeance. When I asked him, how did this happen?! He look at me and said, "Well, the first time we hung out made me scared that I was going to lose you forever. That you were going to meet some guy in YR that could sweep you off your feet. So I just waited. I hung out with you more and more. Then at some point I started wooing you and you let me. I couldn't believe you were letting me! And now we're here."

I didn't know he was courting me. Now that I look back, I see that he was slowly and surely moving me into that place, but at the time, I had no clue. And I was scared by my feelings. I was not ready to love Bryan again. Loving Bryan is a full-time job. I'm not trying to be mean, but it is. And I bet he'd say that loving me was a full-time job too. (Although, now I think he sees my independence - something I didn't have when we were together before.)

"...And now we're here." Where? Where EXACTLY were we? And then... In a blink of an eye, were are here. Marriage was thrown around, parents were talked to, a ring was purchased, and at my sisters house, last Friday, Bryan got down on one knee and asked the one question I always dreamed about, and the one I never thought would happen.

If I was reading this blog, I would be thinking that this blog needed to get to the good stuff. The juicy stuff. Unfortunately for anyone that might read this blog, there is no juicy part. Bryan and I have always wanted a fall wedding. Any time we EVER spoke about getting married it was always in the fall. Its our favorite season. So it was either, plan a wedding in 6 weeks or wait 12 months. Neither of us wanted to do that. Especially me. I do NOT want this long and complicated process to be drawn out. I have always wanted a small wedding, and selfishly, I knew that this would be a way to get that.

I'm not pregnant. This isn't a shotgun wedding to cover anything up. It's just a quick wedding. We've made the decision. We've committed to this. So, we've decided on October 25, 2009.

I am so happy and so blessed. :)

Righteous Anger

I read posts like this and I feel her anger. I feel like its justified. I believe that God understands anger. I believe that God understands frustration and helplessness. And I think that it's OK to be angry about your circumstances to a certain extent. Sometimes, in cases like Jonah, I feel like Patrice has a right to be angry that she won't be able to see her son play sports. Or to give him big bear hugs and have tickle fights. I know I would be.

I also see Patrice's strength in those posts. Even when she is at her weakest. I feel that she believes and trusts in God, that she knows he has a plan. I know she gets frustrated and upset, because she is human.

Well, I'm angry. I don't know if it is righteous anger. But I am so mad. And right now, I am torn two ways. One part of me wants to get up in God's face and talk to him, to yell and scream at him. And part of me wants to just give him the cold shoulder. I don't know which one I want to go with.

Lots of big things are going on right now in my life. And yes, I'll explain more later but this isn't the time. But, I am so gosh-darn frustrated that my Dad just checks out whenever he wants. I'm tired of him being an alcoholic. I'm tired of going through the push and pull that being an alcoholics daughter brings. I hate that he misses out on so much of my life. And I am so PISSED that I miss out on HIS. It's a two way street. When he drinks, neither of us gets to spend time with the other.

Then, on top of everything else, I remember all the things I am mad at. All the things I missed out on. My Dad's alcoholism got really bad when I was born. My entire life he's been a binge drinker, and it's effected my life the most. For an example, today I was talking to my boss, Kim, and a few other people at work. I mentioned that what I really wanted, above anything else for my birthday was a bike. They kind of looked at me like I was crazy. And when they asked if I had ever had a bike, I said no. I wasn't taught to ride a bike until I was in the 5th grade. Then, when I learned, I used my sisters old bikes. I never got that, OH-MY-GOSH moment. (Note: I had my sisters bikes, which I am grateful for, but it wasn't like it was cleaned up with new tires and given to me. I dragged it out of the garage, sprayed the spiders off of it, and did what I could with it. It wasn't a special event like it is to so many people.)

What a flashback that gave me. I remember my Dad had been drunk the week before his 40 or 40-something birthday. On Saturday morning, He grabbed a half-way decent bike, and took me over to Monroe school, where he taught me how to ride a bike. I had been begging for years, weeks to learn, but he was always drunk during the weekends or it was never a good time. Thinking about it makes me so angry. 5th grade. FIFTH GRADE. Every major event in my life my Dad has missed. I remember being so scared that he would drink before every band concert or Peach Blossom contest. I remember looking at the crowd to see if he would show up, and my Mom would just smile and shrug her shoulders at me.

I get SO angry thinking about it. Throw something at the wall angry. So many memories were missed out on. So many birthdays and Christmases ruined. I always felt he put the bottle before me, before my sisters, before his wife.

And although he doesn't drink as often as he used to he still does. And it makes me mad. How could he? After all these years. After all that is happened. After what it does to his body. HOW CAN HE CONTINUE TO DRINK? How can he look at me, drunk as a skunk, and straight up lie to my face. How can he live his life this way?

On Monday, my Mom and I did something very important. Very exciting and important. On the way home, a song came on my iPod. A song I have listened to many times before. It was called "Sober" and it is sung by Pink. As I was singing it, at the top of my lungs, I started thinking about them. Then I started connecting things. Then I started crying. There I was, driving home from Fresno and all I could do was cry.

I thought about how my Dad doesn't even have that. He doesn't have this constant addiction. He doesn't need alcohol every day to function. He doesn't get happier when he drinks. He feels worse. And then he comes out of it, he feels nothing. He hasn't felt the presence of God in a long time. He doesn't know who he is or what to do with his life. He's just a floater.

Do you know that its nearly impossible to rehabilitate a binge drinker? They can go years - literally - YEARS without drinking. They can play the part better than any actor or actress. They can go through rehab, AA, church programs... everything without an problem.

So today, as I finish this post and get up to go work out so I can work my anger (and fat) off, I am hopeless. I won't ever have a normal relationship with my Dad. He will always be plagued by his addiction, and I will always be waiting for him to come out from the fog.

Until then, I keep going through the roller coaster. Some days I have hope, some days I want to cut off all communication, and some days I want to cry because of all the loss and heartbreak this has caused in my life, in my families life. And I will keep trying to believe that God has a plan, and His Will will be done.



____

PS - Sober by Pink:



PPS - I love my Dad so much.

Yeah... We know.

An Open Letter: My Body

Dear Body,

You serve me well. You've always been there for me. You've stuck with me for almost 22 years. Sure, you are a little short. Granted, you have bad knees, big hips, large love-handles and are 25 pounds more chunky than you should be. Of course, I can't wear those cute little outfits they wear on TV and on the Forever 21 advertisements. Then comes the stress at work, from being uncomfortable with you around, from life in general. And, as a true, TRUE friend you shut down on me with what Doctors call a 'migraine' but I generally refer to it as 'My Bodies Betrayal."

Don't let my previous comments get you down, dear body. For I love you when I have lost all of my "water weight" and when I am swimming. I love you when I need to walk around or run errands or attend church or a birthday party. I love on you when I am cold, wrap you up in a big blanket, do what I can for you when you are in pain. I take you to the doctor when you are sick. I blow your nose and I paint your nails.

I also realize that a relationship like ours is a give and take. Probably with you doing more giving and me doing more taking. But if I didn't feed you, you would be unable to give... So it's really a wash.

So, why? WHY are you doing this to me? Why must you be in such pain when I have so much to do today? Why is it that One. Day. After. I sign up for the gym you decide to go all "time of the month" on me? And fine, if you have to, you have to. I understand. I get it. But, WHY do you HAVE to crave chocolate so BADLY? Why did I have to purchase that brownie from Panera Bread today? WHY did you make me walk into my Superintendent's office to get a Snickers out of his candy jar? I don't understand.

You are already keeping me from the gym. Do you HAVE to make me eat horrible things as well?

I'm hurt. And I'm angry. I know I'll get over it. I know you'll get over it. But I still am hurt. And I fully expect you to work really hard at the gym with me. Because we'll only be able to do this if we work together.

Until then, I'll try to be patient. And don't rush me. Right after I post this, I WILL go and get a Twix from the candy jar. Because I love you.

Megan

Insomniac Sayings

I can't sleep. I've been up for the past hour or so just thinking and creating really awesome ringtones. So many in fact that now I have absolutely no idea which song I am going to chose to be the main ringtone. Now I have So Many Choices that I honestly can't pick one. I'm going to have a different ringtone for every hour in the day. Which would actually be kind of cool.

Moving on... I think I blame Anna. If I wasn't such a NICE person I would totally call her right now. She told me she's been having a hard time sleeping and she gave it to me. I can't sleep. My mind is going four thousand miles a minutes and it really isn't working out for me.

Unfortunately, none of what is passing through the brain tubes are things that I can blog about.

One thing though, I found out today that one of my Dad's friends and sponsors passed away. He was older and he died of cancer. Please pray for my Dad and the loved ones of this man. I'm sure they all need comfort.