Confusing Directions

This might seem random, but I find that I am a tad more honest and open when I blog at night. Is that weird? I mean... I generally think of myself as a very honest and straight forward person. But even I have my moments when I am guarded... although I try not to be on here.

Last Tuesday night, Ryan, Denise, Andy, Anna, Anna's sister Sarah, their friend Erin and myself went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

I liked it a lot, obviously. But I felt that the book had a great line up for a screenplay. As much as I understand that the book will always have more details, I feel that the lines of the movie should parallel to the book. I think that the Half-Blood Prince was one such book that could have been translated into the theater without risking too much of the meat.

I was pretty disappointed. There were little things that were changed for seemingly no reason at all. Anna also made a great point: The movie focused so much on the relationships of the characters. But not on the most important one - the love story between Harry and Jenny. This story was all about building our knowledge of Voldemort. And yet we didn't learn very much about him. We didn't learn about Merope or what happened to Voldemorts father. We don't see what happens to Voldemorts grandfather. The whole thing really saddened me. The entire premise of the Half Blood Prince is to learn how to defeat the Dark Lord - and yet we hardly learned anything at all.

Anywho, I am still happy with the books and still an avid fan. Hopefully the next two movies will be worth the craziness in this one.

Early Wednesday morning I got up and loaded the Vdub. I made great time to Alisons' house where I am spending my vacation.

It has been so nice playing with Emma and Brody. They are so cute. Impossibly so. Last night, Alison and Mark went out on a date and Emma and I had a date of our own. We had dessert which consisted of a freshly cut pineapple that was delicious. We played Crainium's Hullabaloo and we watched Pinocchio... Which I haven't seen in years.

Okay... so maybe I am extremely lame for not knowing this, but does anyone else realize the similarities between Pinocchio's Hi-Diddelee-Dee (An Actors Life For Me), Snow White's Yo Ho, Yo Ho, It's off to Work We Go and Pirates of the Caribbeans A Pirates Life For Me?

I just put that together. Here are the links:

Pinocchio
Pirates of The Caribbean
Snow White

Moving on from that distraction...

I've been stressed lately. All this life stuff. When did things get so complicated? It feels like my life as 360ed in the past few weeks. The beginning of July set off a course of events and now I'm left with the remnants and I have no clue what to do with them. It's like I am trying to deal with it but I really don't know where to begin the process.

So, I do what I can.. I pray. Last night after the kids went to bed and I went out on the balcony and watched the cars pass. I had a long talk with God. I went through all the emotions... sadness, anger, confusion and then by the end of course, I apologized. I forgot that He has a plan. And right now His plan is changing MY plan and it completely frustrated me. Even though I shouldn't I felt like he was scolding me.

"Do you think you know more than I? Do you think you can plan your life better than I can?"

And of course, I know that I cannot. How could I? Against the one who knows every hair on my head... every desire of my heart.

Again, I am in the position of letting him take the reins. Which is hard for me to do. I feel like my heart is changing and I'm kind of scared what that brings. I've always known that I wanted to be a wife. I've always known that I wanted to be a mother and maybe even a stay at home mother. I mourned for a while when I learned that none of those things may be in the cards for me. I might not ever get married or find 'the one'. I might never get to experience motherhood.. and that saddens me to the highest degree.

Such is life. I just have to learn that things will come when they are meant to. And not when I desire them to be so. I have to keep my head straight and do what I can.

Hmm... off subject... the window is open in Alison's living room and the neighbors are smoking and its wafting in here. SERIOUSLY? Does this follow me every where I go?

The neighbors to the left of us at home smoke on their back porch... our swamp cooler sucks it in and blows it right into our living room. Geez.

Moving on. Tomorrow, I make the trek back to Hanford. I'm excited to go home and see my bestie and my babies, Duey and Danny. I guess I should be going off to bed to get some rest.

Until the next time....

Matters of the Heart

**This post is totally coming from a disheartened Megan. Just an FYI for you.**

Most of the time I am okay with coming from a broken family. Most of the time I feel like I have overcome a lot of obstacles to get me to where I am today. And I feel like so far, I've succeeded.

Yes, I've made mistakes. Little ones and big ones. But I've learned. I've grown. I've managed to escape huge disasters. A lot of people that know me have said at one point, "I have no clue how you and your sisters turned out the way you did."

But sometimes things happen. Events in a day. Something that triggers a memory. Sometimes I'll look at the picture I have of my Mom and Dad in the mountains with snow surrounding them and I remember the casualties.

I feel the ache in my heart knowing that my future children (if I have any) will never see their grandparents together. And maybe worse, I know that Emma and Brody, who are here now, will never get to go camping with their grandma and grandpa.. something that they loved to do. Or go to the lake and swim. Or swim in the pool with them together. When they are old enough, they might hear my parents love story, but they won't really get it, won't understand it. It'll be foreign.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that God has a plan that I am not going to even try to figure out. And I know that the people that my parents are with now are so awesome and I am happy to have them in my life.

But I also mourn the loss for my original family of 5. I get sad at how much the decisions that our parents made has affected not only their lives, but all of ours too. I'm sad that there are all these rivers and valleys between the five of us and we'll never find a bridge or walk the distance to find each other again.

Luckily, humans adapt. Even though part of me will always wish that I could revert time and control every detail to make things happen a different way, I will always reject the idea. I would never want to disrupt what we all have now.

Alison, a woman I admire so much, has a wonderful husband and a beautiful family. I would never risk altering her life.

Kari, my fierce and loving sister is so happy with her life and her hubby and lil Gunther and their new house that they are making a home more and more each day... and to think of doing anything in the past that might change that gets automatically thrown out.

Maybe because I am single and still figuring life out, I have time to think about these things. Maybe because I was the only one left when my family finally cut the ties and I watched it all happen I have a different view. I don't know.

I just know that nights like tonight I wish I could call my parents and get some type of advice. Which I could probably still do, but why bring it up when everyone has moved on?

Strengthening Me

I had made a personal promise to not mention Michael in my blog again. I really didn't think that there was any reason to continue writing about him.

Last night he gave me a reason.

Michael told me that the entire time we were dating, he would get high and talk to me. And that I was an idiot because I couldn't tell. He said that I was close-minded because I've never gotten high, and basically said I was a idiot because I didn't get drunk. He also said that I was a robot with pre-programmed mindsets.

I was so hurt. Devastated. And that is not even 1/3 of our conversation. As soon as he told me that the whole time he had been deceiving me I started crying. How hurtful. While I was here in Hanford, trusting him, he was screwing around behind my back. That burns. I wish that I could say, "Well it doesn't matter, because the whole time that we were dating I was (lying, cheating, w/e)." Just because I want to hurt him, but I can't. The fact is, is that the entire time I was trying to "lay a good foundation without cracks so that our relationship might have a future." That was my thought process.

The worst part of it all is probably that he doesn't feel any stitch of remorse. Because he can't understand why I don't get high or won't date someone who gets high, he discounted my feelings because they were illogical to him. Nevertheless that they were logical and meant something to me. Who cares about that. If it doesn't make sense to him, he'll brush it off and say what he needs to appease whoever he is dealing with.

Denise and her sister Danette came home and I was in my room sobbing. After they managed to calm me down, I told them what happened. What was said as best as I could remember it. Denise's first spoken words were, "I can't believe how much Michael has turned out to be an ass."

It saddens me because I feel that he is so jaded. How can any human being feel that deceiving someone the whole of their relationship is not worse than a person leaving their significant other when a situation goes bad?

He even had the gall to say that my taking Maxalt, for my migraines, is worse than what he does. That, right there, told me that this dude has some major issues. If anything my migraines are more like getting high than anything else. When they get really bad I'm lethargic and I hallucinate. Besides the pain, because I hear you can't feel any with drugs, they are probably a lot like shooting up. When I take the Maxalt, it remedies that. The medication puts me slowly but surely back together so that I can think, feel. It heals something as best as it can for the time being.

While I was talking to Big D and Lil D, I told them that I don't feel like I'm close minded. I don't shun anyone away if they do drugs. I don't judge them. I know and have hung out with people that get high. I watch movies that have characters that get high. It doesn't affect me. It's just not my choice, not the way I live my life. Danette said that its ridiculous that he would say I was close minded. She said, "You don't have to stick a needle in your arm to know that you don't want to do heroin. You don't have to hang out with or date someone who is addicted to crack to know that you don't want to be around it."

I HAVE dated someone who would get high, even occasionally. It became a highly volatile relationship. I already have a relationship with someone that cannot get their life together because of alcohol, I don't want another one. I know that I don't want that in my life, more than ever because of this past relationship.

Somehow, at the end of the conversation I honestly felt that I was a bad person because I didn't choose to do bad things. It's like, I've done and experienced EVERYTHING. I've put myself in bad situations, I've gotten drunk with people I shouldn't have, I've been immoral and ugly to people, I've ruined other peoples relationships for my own entertainment. The one thing that I knew from the get-go that I didn't even want to try was drugs. Other than that, I've done just about everything else that I could that was rebellious. And now? I know what I want.

I want to continue my quest to get closer to God. I want to get involved in the community and in my church. I want to try to make the right decisions, the ones that honor God. I don't want to live for me anymore. I want to have a purpose. I want to change the world, but I know that even if I don't and I only help one person, that will be enough for me to keep going.

Last night I was attacked for my values, my feelings and my beliefs. I have a feeling that it won't be the last time. But next time, I feel that I'll be a bit more prepared to handle the situation. I think what really threw me was that this person was supposed to care for me at one point. He told me that he loved who and how I was. Obviously, that wasn't the case. But it's not the end of the world either.

Life goes on. I will live my life and continue to try to make the right decisions at every turn - regardless of any persecution for my "closemindedness."

Moving on from that, today is a beautiful day. And I intend on enjoying every single moment that I can of it.