Rants and...More Rants!

A lot is happening at such a fast pace.

I've wanted to write every night since last week, but I just haven't had the time or the energy. A few nights after my last post, my Mom called me. She told me that she had read it and that it had made her cry. She had been at work at the time. She couldn't believe what I had written. How fooled we all were.

I've been asked if I have heard from Michael at all. I haven't.

The part of my life that I have been really enjoying is being involved in the Young Republicans of Kings County organization. I've been helping the group with putting together the fund-raising letter and the fliers for an event we are hosting. Danny Gilmore is coming to Mary Queen Immaculate school in Lemoore on April 18 at 3 to talk to all who are interested about the water issues that the west valley is facing.

I'm so happy to be involved with a group of people that share the conservative values that I have. As time progresses our culture is sinking into quicksand. Our country is swimming in debt that even my great grandchildren will deal with. The government is out of control. Our people are swimming in their own debt, maybe because of the horrid example of a government we have. There are basically no family values anymore. Most parents don't give a crap about their childrens' education, development and health. It really breaks my heart.

I'm afraid that I feel that private industry can do pretty much anything better than the government. They are so inefficient. I also feel that we need to return to the roots of this country. When did we lose the ideal that our politicians are our employees? We VOTE them into office. WE give them their job. Yet they vote for their own raises? They are in office for years without any accomplishment and then can retire of 100% salary when there are state employees, like myself, that don't even have benefits? Its ludicrous. Honestly, it is.

Now, this week, two states - Iowa and Vermont - have voting to legalize gay marriage. Washington, DC has voted to acknowledge same-sex marriage performed in other states. This is so confusing and so disappointing for me.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate anyone. I have nothing against people that chose to live a life that involves a partnership with person of the same sex. I love them just the same as I love anyone else. I don't judge them. However, I do believe that it is a choice. I do believe that it is a sin. It is just as bad as any other sin. I'm no better than a homosexual just because instead of being in a relationship with a girl, I lie, cuss and have other temptations.

I think we all forget that each any every one of us has a purpose. God created Man and Woman. And even if you don't believe in God, we can all agree that there is only two sexes. Male and Female. There are many ways to tell the difference. When I explain this I like to use something that is basic and that we use all the time. Electricity. Please tell me when you have plugged in a female plug into another female plug and got any type of reaction. How about a male plug with another male plug? I have absentmindedly actually tried to plug to female parts together while doing Christmas trees. Guess what? Nothing happened. There was no purpose to do that. They were not made for each other. This is the same with same-sex marriages. A man was designed for a female. A female was designed for a male. And I mean this on more than just a reproductive level.

Obviously, I'm not for gay marriage. However, I do believe that if you have committed yourself to someone else you can opt to have a union that recognizes your commitment. That will be accepted by insurance companies. I can't tell someone that they can't commit themselves to another person and not be able to take care of them with insurance and other 'married' things. But I do believe we need to keep the two things separate. And unfortunately

Anyways, let me step off my soapbox. It saddens me where we are going. It saddens me that the family unit has been completely torn apart. It upsets me that people make excuses for absolutely everything. And honestly, I include myself in that.

More updates to come. I'm over at Kari and Adam's and we'll be watching American Idol for the next hour.

YAY!

Life is Not a Fantasy...

I have been so busy lately, it's pretty incredible. My sister, Kari complained because I haven't been blogging.

I'll start by saying that one week and one day after the whole 'incident' with Michael happened, we talked on the phone. That entire week, we'd been at odds. I was upset because he didn't have the decency to call me, I was angry because everyone promised he would realize his mistake and he'd call me and he didn't. I was confused and felt like all those times he said that I meant so much to him and that I was exactly the kind of girl he wanted was a lie. First of all, I don't think you should treat people that "mean a lot to you" like that. Second, obviously I didn't mean much to him, because he didn't call. And third... The kind of girl he wanted? Why would he want a girl like me, if I'm the kind of girl that doesn't condone things like drugs? What is the point of wanting a "good girl" if you are only going to shove all the things that make her good in her face? Why want a good girl when you want to make bad decisions? (Maybe he thought I was the 'good girl' that wanted a 'bad boy'. I'm not. I want a good boy to be my partner, to have fun with and also care for and be cared for... pretty simple, or at least, I think it is.)

The whole week after his birthday, we were making pretty bitter remarks to each other. That Sunday, we talked. And not much came from it except that we're not angry with each other... I told him why I was upset and he told me why he was. Then he says something to the effect of, "I'm so confused. I don't know what you would act like in the future. I mean, how am I supposed to take you to Vegas? What if things got out of hand, would you leave again?"

Those comments nearly knocked my breath out. It's like... how insensitive. If it was the other way around and I was inviting him some where like Vegas, or really, anywhere, I would make sure that we had fun, but that I was aware of his comfort level. It's just like having a guest stay at your house. You try to be accommodating. I was really nervous and excited for Vegas. I wanted to have a good time, but having a good time does not equal bending on my morals. Just because I am in a different zip code doesn't mean I'll behave any differently than if I was in good ol' Hanford, where my parents know about everything I do within minutes of my doing it.

What it came down to was that Michael is two different people trapped in one body. Hanford Michael and I got along really well. Going out to dinner or a bar, drinking a few beers, playing pool, hanging with friends or family... Always fun. Then there is Isla Vista Michael. Megan and Isla Vista Michael don't get along so much. IV Michael is a bit more liberal in the choices he makes. He knows what he does there won't be reported to his parents or get back to his aunts. So, if I may say so, he let's it all hang out.

Which is fine. Honestly, I wasn't naive to the IV way of life. I know what happens there. I've heard and seen what happens there. It was fine with me. The parties, the drinking, although not my favorite, were there. Michael really did slow down. And he probably did a lot of it because of me, because of our long distance relationship. Everything would have been fine, I think, if he had chosen to decline the drugs. Everything else I can tolerate, except drugs. Which, I guess was something he didn't want to compromise on.

Moving on from that, I've been having a whole lot of fun lately! I've actually felt like I'm not a prude, 35 year old woman, but a 21-25ish person. I've been staying out later. Going out with friends. Having a few drinks with dinner. Getting all cute and dressed up and going out instead of staying in with a good movie or book and lots of sleep. (I do miss the sleep, though.)

One of the people that I have been hanging out with is Mike B. Which can be and is dangerous. He is such a honest, straight up good guy that it would be really easy to fall for him. Every time we hang out, he opens the door for me. It doesn't matter that we're just friends, he opens the door for me, without fail. He is hilarious and brings out the younger, goofy side of me. He's extremely thoughtful. He truly is a catch. Hands down. I love spending time with him.

This Saturday we went to Fresno to have dinner with his Uncle, (who has an amazing house) and we went to Edwards to see Watchmen. We both liked the movie. However, we were both pretty unprepared for the graphic love scene... Where we both covered each others eyes. So there we were in a packed theater covering our eyes during the sex scene.. I bet everyone thought we were crazy.

I've also been hanging out with Jon, who is an old friend of mine from Woodrow. He's had a rough life and is totally the opposite of me in every way, but is still amazing. He is a tattoo artist who is big and burly, and is covered with tattoos. So are all of his friends. And then I walk in with him in my normal Megan clothes (which are all modest, because heck, I work at a school. And I'm not going to buy two sets of clothes, one for work and one for my nightlife. Well..because I don't HAVE a nightlife.) I do not fit in with his friends. At. All. Jon compared it to a rose next to brass knuckles. Which in his world makes sense.

Somehow, this leads me to two people I have been really worried about. Katie and my Dad. My Dad has been having a really hard time lately. I've been having horrible dreams about him. It is like he is giving up. I've been praying so much for him. I miss him like crazy. I wish so bad that I could make a difference in his life. I wish there was something I could do to save him. I just feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and watching him fall. It is so hard to be the daughter of a Binge-Drinker Alcoholic. I have my Dad part of the time.. but then he's gone. And I just wait for his call. It's been over a week since I've talked to him. In February, I didn't talk to him for three weeks. He drank for three weeks straight. When I saw him, it broke my heart. It breaks my heart every day.

It's really hard for me to admit but I don't think he'll be alive when I get married. I have this awful feeling that he is not going to be around to walk me down the aisle. To give me away to make the biggest commitment of my life. He won't be there to see me get all big and pregnant, or to hold his grandson or granddaughter. I'll miss all of those memories because with every drink he takes, he is killing himself. I'm jealous because Alison and Kari will have some of those memories, when I just don't think I will. I can feel it. He's given up on God. He has no hope to change. He sees no reason to go to AA because everyone there falls. He doesn't see that they fall, but get right back up and try to continue their sobriety. It's all excuses. My Dad is giving in to the alcohol... And then people wonder why I don't drink a lot or get drunk. It's amazing.

I worry about Katie because she is going through a lot of things right now with her husband, Zac. She talks to me and tells me what I'm sure is only part of what is really going on. It is not too big of a secret that Zac and I don't get along. I don't like the way he treats Katie. I think that they went really fast and were/are really young... Now they are going through some of the consequences. I just hate that Katie is hurting. A part of me wants to tell her to run far away from him but another part of me wants me to tell her that she made a commitment and she needs to work it out. Mostly, I stay quiet. I don't want to say something that will upset our friendship and have her push me out of her life... I know she's going to need me to support her.

On a happier note, I've spent more time with Kari lately. Which is always awesome... but it always makes me miss Alison. Both girls are doing very well and both are busy with their families, jobs, church activities, etc.

Denise and Brian are going strong and I couldn't be happier! I've wanted to see something flourish between them for a long time.. and now that it has, it seems to be a really great thing. I'm so excited for them!

On the relationship front for me, I'm not looking. I'm going to just stay where I am for a while... Make sure that I get over Michael completely and continue to work on myself and my relationship with God. I've been going to church every Sunday and have been trying to read my Bible a few times a week. It's hard to get in the habit but well worth it.

I'm hoping to update more this week.. so stay tuned!

Another Day... Another Dollar

Let me start out by saying that I had a pretty good day today.

First, my Dad stopped by this morning to give me some paperwork and it was good seeing him, even if I was wearing the Sigma Pi-neapple Express t-shirt that Michael got me. Which brings me to my second...

I spoke with Michael today. I had dreams about him all night. I. Miss. Him. More than yesterday. It seems every day I miss him more. Michael has had a really bad week. A good friend of his took his life and that has jolted him and their group of friends. I wish that I could be more.. there..for Michael right now. I want to hug him and try to make him feel better. I wish I could hold his hand or kiss him. This is way harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought I was guarding my heart after Bryan... but at some point and I don't know when, I started to raise that gate that separated Michael and my heart...

Well, the third thing I had to write about was work. I was on fire today. In order to take my mind off of my second on this list, I have thoroughly thrown myself into work. I got so much done. I started projects and actually finished them. It's really nice to have that finality at work, because I'm feeling so undone in most other areas.

Right before I was leaving for the day my friend Michael B. (who I will call Mike, to make it less confusing) text messaged me and basically ordered me to go run errands with him. So I did. I wasn't planning on announcing that Michael and I were no longer together, but I showed him the picture of my Mom and I eating Filhose (Portuguese Doughnuts) on Fat Tuesday and asked if he had had any. He grabbed my phone and this was the following conversation.

Mike: "Oh my gosh. Who is this girl? Is she single??"
Me: "Which one?"
Mike: "Which one? (pause...) Is one of them single?"
Me: "Uhh... (pause, trying to decide what to say).. yes."
Mike: "Oh. (shocked face) Your Mom and Larry got a divorce?" (jokingly)
Me: "Yeah...cause all of a sudden we've entered the twilight zone."
Mike: "What happened?"
Me: (Tells story) "Please don't tell anyone. It kind of sunk my self-esteem."
Mike: (looks at me like I'm an idiot) He ditched you to lock himself in an apartment? He DITCHED you? Wow. He's insane. Any guy that would do that to YOU is insane."

We dropped it after that. His reaction kind of confused me. I didn't quite understand why he emphasized the YOU in that last sentence. Anyways, I had also mentioned to him that I was dieting because I wanted to lose a good twenty pounds and he immediately freaked out. So he took me straight to Mickey D's where he ordered two ice cream cones. We sat in the parking lot, talked and ate. I'm not too mad at myself though because I pushed a good part of the top off into a bag so I ate less ice cream. I was pretty proud.

When he dropped me off, I helped Denise unload the rest of the dishes and we went off to Bath and Body Works to use a gift card we each had. I walked away with a Warm Vanilla Sugar Wallflower Plug In so my room, as I type, smells like, well, me! I also bought a new body cream called Moonlight Path. It's going to be really good to use right before bed. And the best part: We each received a free zebra print tote with purchase! It was awesome! I got a teal and white one, Denise got one that was black and white. We're going to use them to grocery shop.

Saving our world one plastic bag at a time. :)

It's Confirmed...

Michael and I have called it quits.

I was pretty sad yesterday. I finally broke down right before dinner with Mom, Larry and Denise and Me N Ed's, which of course, my mom noticed immediately. When Dee and I got home, I spoke with Michael over the internet and we finalized everything.

It's really disappointing when a relationship that you had pretty high hopes for disintegrates. When Michael and I first started talking, it was amazing. We'd stay up until all hours of the night, whether it was online, on the phone, once at Monroe and once at Kings River. It was very easy, never forced.

I was always pretty amazed that he was interested. I'm an old fashioned good girl and he is more mainstream. When he would tell me that he was getting tired of the 'party life' and wanted to grow up, I believed him. He seemed pretty old fashioned himself... Oh well. For now, I'm too jaded to even try to figure out what was real in the relationship and what wasn't.

All day today I tried hard to not think about him or our relationship, because every time I do my heart starts fluttering and I get this sad pain in my chest. I'm really bummed but I have to be honest, I hate feeling this way, knowing that on his end, he's fine. I wish I could just shrug it off and not let it affect me, but it's hard.

On a lighter note, I got a lot done at work today. Kim was having a huge issue with Excel for most of the morning and she finally asked me for help. She showed me that every time she tried to collapse the subtotals on her salary schedule she would lose three lines of employees. After tweaking with it for a good five minutes and trying to figure out the problem, I told her to go throw each cell in the line so I could look at the codes. BEHOLD! There was a incorrect code in the cell which was causing it to collapse. She was pretty impressed. She was also pretty bummed that she had spent the whole morning on this problem and it ended up being solved in seven minutes by me. But it boosted my ego a bit and left me feeling good.

Right now, I'm hearing Vanity Fair playing in Denise's room. The poor girl is sick. She is also drugged up, which means I'm going to have to find my camera so I can video her craziness. It's always good for a laugh after she's done being sick. :)

Well, I'm off to work on Latchkey. I brought some invoices home with me and I plan on popping in a movie and watching as I work.

A Weekend Update

Today is the last day of my three day weekend, and I'm both happy and sad to go back to work. I'll be working a lot over the next couple of days, to make some extra money.

Right now, I'm watching Chuck and Denise is making me dinner. (Actually, I stopped blogging to eat it while it was hot.) So now, I'm fed and happy.

This weekend went really well. Michael and I got to spend some quality time together and it was definitely needed. On Friday, we went to The Cellar Door with Denise, Brian and his co-worker, Leigh. Then we went to Visalia Brewing Company where Denise, Michael and Leigh sang Karaoke. Denise and Leigh did it willingly, while Denise submitted Boston's "More Than a Feeling" for Michael to sing. It was pretty hilarious. Poor guy. That is a hard song to sing. But he was a good sport.

Saturday was Valentine's Day and it was a pretty perfect day. We were basically lazy all day, watching TV and hanging out. Michael left around three to run errands while I cleaned up and got ready. He came back and I opened the door, and there he stood looking completely cute all dressed up. He brought his Mom's china, candles and food. He downloaded some Kenny G, cooked me dinner, and it was amazing. It was really low-key and thoughtful. I'm a total hopeless romantic so that kind of stuff seriously makes me melt. (That makes me think of Darla in The Little Rascals.)

Anyways, after dinner, we went to Kari and Adam's. We hung out there and then decided to go watch "He's Just Not That Into You." Which was pretty good. It also put a pretty horrible depiction of women. I don't know many women actually do the things that one character did in that movie. It was pretty dramatic.

Sunday, Michael and I went to church and then ran errands. We went to dinner at Nashville Bar and Grill that evening. It wasn't exactly what I expected, but I think that with time they will get better and it'll be a good place to go.

Today Michael left and its always sad when that happens. But we have a lot of things to look forward to in the next coming months.

It's always nice to spend time with Michael. Long distance relationships can be really hard. I know I get really frustrated with having an internet/text only relationship. It doesn't seem to phase Michael very much, which probably just shows the difference between a girl and a guy.

Well, Heroes is on, better get going.

A Good and Unproductive Weekend.

I am completely and utterly in love... With my house. I love the smell, the sounds, how it settles at night. I walked out this morning and stood the porch and just looked. I stretched. I seriously cannot wait to get a little bench so I can take my coffee out there in the mornings and just relax.

Last night I had the privilege of hanging out with Tanner Mathews, my best friend in high school. We were inseparable our senior year. One thing is true, I absolutely adore that boy. He is amazing. I was laughing my butt off ALL night. He's a riot.

He came over around 6, and we went to watch Push. (Click here for the review.)

Then we went to La Fiesta to grab some food and a beer. It was delicious. My new guilty pleasure is a number 13, (Enchilada and Taco) with a Bud Light Lime. By the time we got there, it was like 9:15 and we start to walk up to the bar door. As soon as I reach out for it, the mariachi band start to play. It was the long drawl of the trumpet. The trumpet that has no filter, so it is very, very loud. I turn to look at Tanner and he looks at me and says, "Oh, hell no, Megan." I start laughing so hard. The look on his face was precious! Needless to say, we went into another room. OMG. It was amazing. Good movie, good food, good company equals a perfect evening in my book!

Today I have managed to get absolutely nothing done. Which is both awesome and embarrassing. There is so much to be done in this house! Boxes and cleaning, cleaning and boxes. But no. I chatted online with Michael all day, playing poker and webcaming. Then, out of no where, I fall asleep. I got off the internet to take a shower, and I just laid on my bed for a while, and then all of a sudden I wake up and an hour or so has passed by. It was crazy. Well that nap made me more lazy, so got back onto the internet and chatted away.

I talked to Brad on Facebook for a while, he invited me to his casa tomorrow. Him and Elaine have a couple of horses and after verbally abusing me for being such a loser because I was at home alone on a Saturday, he said that I should come over after church tomorrow to ride one of their horses, Chief. It is amazing how excited I am about this! I haven't been on a horse since I was like 7 or 8, when my Grandpa took us around the dairy on Lady. Sooo, I'm stoked. Hopefully the weather is good and he really texts me. He said he'd take pictures to which I replied, "Oh, that'll be great. So that when I fall off the horse you'll have photographic evidence. AWESOME." But nonetheless, if there are pictures I will post them for your viewing pleasures.

Mmm, the house smells so amazing right now. After my long, hot shower, I felt the need to bake. So I made a peanut butter bars with chocolate on top, and while that was in the oven I made a few chocolate covered pretzels. :) So now, the house smells like a home.

The good part is that I don't actually feel like eating anything that I baked. So maybe I'll cut them up and take them to church tomorrow! We'll just have to see! Makes me kind of nervous because you never know if someone is allergic to peanut butter.

Alright, well. Time to brush the teeth and get the animals settled for bed.

A Peaceful Weekend

I'm sick. Coughing, sneezing, wheezing, earache, sinus pressure SICK. It couldn't have come at a worst time.

I feel like my body is falling a part! First, I hurt my wrist, pretty seriously, while moving. Then, I drop a box on my toe that was carrying the now assembled bookcase that Michael (thankfully) put together for me. My toe is a officially weird purple color. Yesterday, I managed to stub my toe at least three or four times, and I woke up yesterday feeling sick, which got progressively worse, and now I am full blown sick, at home freezing even though it's has got to be about 70 in here. Which makes me think I may have a fever. Joy.

As usual, whenever Michael comes for the weekend it always flies by so fast. When he's not here, the days just kind of inch by. Maybe it's because we are always doing something, which makes time pass without my knowledge. Nonetheless, we had a great weekend. I love spending time with him. Friday, we hung out with Kari and Adam. Saturday we did a bunch of work around the house and went to his house for dinner and games with his family. We ended up playing Uno and Sequence. It was fun. Michael and I were on the same wavelength, because we killed it in Sequence. Two out of three games. :) Sunday was church and then the Superbowl, which wasn't all that exciting, as I read most of the time. Then I really started to feel sick so I fell asleep.

Which is exactly what I feel like doing now. :)