A Life Worth Living

I'm a horrible person.

I have been neglecting my blog, when there is so much to write about!

My trip to the coast was exactly what I needed. Unfortunately, when I returned I got some bad news, was scared half to death at 1 am which made me have horrible dreams. I woke up Monday morning with a huge migraine. My second this month. :( It was really, really bad. Those who get migraines will know how bad it was when I say that it was a 'throwing up' migraine. My Dad ended up stopping by to make sure I was okay.

While we are on the subject of my Dad, please keep him in your prayers. He is such a good man, with a good heart. I pray that what is going on right now will get him on the right path. I don't want to lose my Dad. All of your prayers are appreciated.
Mike B. and I have continued to hang out. He is SUCH a goofball. It totally makes me laugh.

There is no news on the Michael front. I'm over it, he's over it. It was a big mistake. A relationship that was based on a lot of deceit. I'm glad it ended before I really got hurt. Adam (my brother-in-law) was right. "If he doesn't call, you have just avoided a huge disaster." And that is exactly what it was. Michael is a good person and he gave me some good memories. I hope that in time we can be good friends. :)

Lately, I've been trying to cork my shyness and put it on the shelf. I've made it a point to be more bold with people I don't know. I've also been getting involved in the Young Republicans of Kings County club.

I am really, truly excited for this club. I really believe that America needs to come back to the conservative side. The club has a good crop of people that I think can make a difference. We want to grow to be a voice in this state. And even beyond this state. It is high time people got involved. I'm so thankful to be a part of it and that the skills I have will help out. We have a lot of events coming up and I really want to immerse myself in it.

Another task I have been working on is decorating my house. I've been trying to get the house completely ready by Easter. I want everything to have a place and everything to be in that place. I love my little home. I can't wait to have some barbeque's here and to celebrate birthdays. Maybe I'm going a little Under the Tuscan Sun here, but I want a house that people like to come to. That is homey and a sanctuary. I am dedicated to making this house as full of love and peace as possible.

The next thing on my list is to get involved in a ministry at church. I've been praying about it a lot. I'm not sure where I should serve. But I do know that I need to get into whatever it is that I'm going to get in to.

Speaking of which, tonight will be an early night because tomorrow I have church. I haven't gone the past two weeks and I am missing it! Luckily, Oasis posts Pastor Kenny's sermons online, so I was able to catch up at work!

Well, that is all for now. I have more stuff to jot on here, but I'm off to dinner. I'm starving and these Robins Eggs are NOT cutting it.

Sometimes You Just Have

to get away.

Sometimes there is nothing left to do except remove yourself from a situation to get the whole picture.

I guess that for the past few weeks stress has been building up, and I finally need a break. I've exceeded my tolerance level. I know everyone gets to that breaking point and I believe what you do when you reach it defines a part of you.
Some people drink, get migraines, yell, scream, throw things, cuss, cry, run, hide and even turn to sex. Some people talk to friends, write in journals or blogs, talk to pastors, pray, or even speak with psychiatrists. Obviously ways of dealing with stress and anger can be healthy or unhealthy. I'm not sure which one my relief would be under.

Most of the time when stress builds I either have a pampering day, I write on here or I talk to my friends and I pray. A lot of the time I get migraines... but sometimes I just leave. I get to a point that I have to get away. have a change of scenery. Breathe. To think and reflect and decide which way to go... what path to take.

Today is one of those days. I'm so confused that I need to get away to breathe fresh air. To relax and unwind. I'm upset and hurt and frustrated.

So many times i've heard that the nice guy finishes last. I feel like that guy (well, girl) and it makes me so mad.

I try really hard on a daily basis to make good decisions, to go out of my way for people, to be nice and let my actions prove that i'm a good person. But people mistake my shy personality for something more haugty and unapproachable. They think my way of living is unrealistic and judgmental. They mistake my generosity something ugly. They twist my words to use them against me. it makes me want to give up.

Now, don't get me wrong. I mess up. I have bad moods and I make sarcastic remarks that can hurt someone who doesn't understand my humor. I can be defensive when I feel attacked even when I'm not.

Even though I try to be complacent and helpful I always seem to get walked all over. Maybe that spine I was once known for has withered. Maybe I don't have the drive to fight anymore. Maybe is a season of my life that will pass. I honestly can't say.

I just need to breathe. to drive away from it all for 24 hours and reflect and revive. i'm only twenty minutes away and i'm already feeling better.

Life is Not a Fantasy...

I have been so busy lately, it's pretty incredible. My sister, Kari complained because I haven't been blogging.

I'll start by saying that one week and one day after the whole 'incident' with Michael happened, we talked on the phone. That entire week, we'd been at odds. I was upset because he didn't have the decency to call me, I was angry because everyone promised he would realize his mistake and he'd call me and he didn't. I was confused and felt like all those times he said that I meant so much to him and that I was exactly the kind of girl he wanted was a lie. First of all, I don't think you should treat people that "mean a lot to you" like that. Second, obviously I didn't mean much to him, because he didn't call. And third... The kind of girl he wanted? Why would he want a girl like me, if I'm the kind of girl that doesn't condone things like drugs? What is the point of wanting a "good girl" if you are only going to shove all the things that make her good in her face? Why want a good girl when you want to make bad decisions? (Maybe he thought I was the 'good girl' that wanted a 'bad boy'. I'm not. I want a good boy to be my partner, to have fun with and also care for and be cared for... pretty simple, or at least, I think it is.)

The whole week after his birthday, we were making pretty bitter remarks to each other. That Sunday, we talked. And not much came from it except that we're not angry with each other... I told him why I was upset and he told me why he was. Then he says something to the effect of, "I'm so confused. I don't know what you would act like in the future. I mean, how am I supposed to take you to Vegas? What if things got out of hand, would you leave again?"

Those comments nearly knocked my breath out. It's like... how insensitive. If it was the other way around and I was inviting him some where like Vegas, or really, anywhere, I would make sure that we had fun, but that I was aware of his comfort level. It's just like having a guest stay at your house. You try to be accommodating. I was really nervous and excited for Vegas. I wanted to have a good time, but having a good time does not equal bending on my morals. Just because I am in a different zip code doesn't mean I'll behave any differently than if I was in good ol' Hanford, where my parents know about everything I do within minutes of my doing it.

What it came down to was that Michael is two different people trapped in one body. Hanford Michael and I got along really well. Going out to dinner or a bar, drinking a few beers, playing pool, hanging with friends or family... Always fun. Then there is Isla Vista Michael. Megan and Isla Vista Michael don't get along so much. IV Michael is a bit more liberal in the choices he makes. He knows what he does there won't be reported to his parents or get back to his aunts. So, if I may say so, he let's it all hang out.

Which is fine. Honestly, I wasn't naive to the IV way of life. I know what happens there. I've heard and seen what happens there. It was fine with me. The parties, the drinking, although not my favorite, were there. Michael really did slow down. And he probably did a lot of it because of me, because of our long distance relationship. Everything would have been fine, I think, if he had chosen to decline the drugs. Everything else I can tolerate, except drugs. Which, I guess was something he didn't want to compromise on.

Moving on from that, I've been having a whole lot of fun lately! I've actually felt like I'm not a prude, 35 year old woman, but a 21-25ish person. I've been staying out later. Going out with friends. Having a few drinks with dinner. Getting all cute and dressed up and going out instead of staying in with a good movie or book and lots of sleep. (I do miss the sleep, though.)

One of the people that I have been hanging out with is Mike B. Which can be and is dangerous. He is such a honest, straight up good guy that it would be really easy to fall for him. Every time we hang out, he opens the door for me. It doesn't matter that we're just friends, he opens the door for me, without fail. He is hilarious and brings out the younger, goofy side of me. He's extremely thoughtful. He truly is a catch. Hands down. I love spending time with him.

This Saturday we went to Fresno to have dinner with his Uncle, (who has an amazing house) and we went to Edwards to see Watchmen. We both liked the movie. However, we were both pretty unprepared for the graphic love scene... Where we both covered each others eyes. So there we were in a packed theater covering our eyes during the sex scene.. I bet everyone thought we were crazy.

I've also been hanging out with Jon, who is an old friend of mine from Woodrow. He's had a rough life and is totally the opposite of me in every way, but is still amazing. He is a tattoo artist who is big and burly, and is covered with tattoos. So are all of his friends. And then I walk in with him in my normal Megan clothes (which are all modest, because heck, I work at a school. And I'm not going to buy two sets of clothes, one for work and one for my nightlife. Well..because I don't HAVE a nightlife.) I do not fit in with his friends. At. All. Jon compared it to a rose next to brass knuckles. Which in his world makes sense.

Somehow, this leads me to two people I have been really worried about. Katie and my Dad. My Dad has been having a really hard time lately. I've been having horrible dreams about him. It is like he is giving up. I've been praying so much for him. I miss him like crazy. I wish so bad that I could make a difference in his life. I wish there was something I could do to save him. I just feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and watching him fall. It is so hard to be the daughter of a Binge-Drinker Alcoholic. I have my Dad part of the time.. but then he's gone. And I just wait for his call. It's been over a week since I've talked to him. In February, I didn't talk to him for three weeks. He drank for three weeks straight. When I saw him, it broke my heart. It breaks my heart every day.

It's really hard for me to admit but I don't think he'll be alive when I get married. I have this awful feeling that he is not going to be around to walk me down the aisle. To give me away to make the biggest commitment of my life. He won't be there to see me get all big and pregnant, or to hold his grandson or granddaughter. I'll miss all of those memories because with every drink he takes, he is killing himself. I'm jealous because Alison and Kari will have some of those memories, when I just don't think I will. I can feel it. He's given up on God. He has no hope to change. He sees no reason to go to AA because everyone there falls. He doesn't see that they fall, but get right back up and try to continue their sobriety. It's all excuses. My Dad is giving in to the alcohol... And then people wonder why I don't drink a lot or get drunk. It's amazing.

I worry about Katie because she is going through a lot of things right now with her husband, Zac. She talks to me and tells me what I'm sure is only part of what is really going on. It is not too big of a secret that Zac and I don't get along. I don't like the way he treats Katie. I think that they went really fast and were/are really young... Now they are going through some of the consequences. I just hate that Katie is hurting. A part of me wants to tell her to run far away from him but another part of me wants me to tell her that she made a commitment and she needs to work it out. Mostly, I stay quiet. I don't want to say something that will upset our friendship and have her push me out of her life... I know she's going to need me to support her.

On a happier note, I've spent more time with Kari lately. Which is always awesome... but it always makes me miss Alison. Both girls are doing very well and both are busy with their families, jobs, church activities, etc.

Denise and Brian are going strong and I couldn't be happier! I've wanted to see something flourish between them for a long time.. and now that it has, it seems to be a really great thing. I'm so excited for them!

On the relationship front for me, I'm not looking. I'm going to just stay where I am for a while... Make sure that I get over Michael completely and continue to work on myself and my relationship with God. I've been going to church every Sunday and have been trying to read my Bible a few times a week. It's hard to get in the habit but well worth it.

I'm hoping to update more this week.. so stay tuned!

Picture This Thursday

This is us in front of the limo that took us to the wineries for Michael's 23rd Birthday.
(Picture snapped at Foley Winery in Lompoc, CA.)

Another Day... Another Dollar

Let me start out by saying that I had a pretty good day today.

First, my Dad stopped by this morning to give me some paperwork and it was good seeing him, even if I was wearing the Sigma Pi-neapple Express t-shirt that Michael got me. Which brings me to my second...

I spoke with Michael today. I had dreams about him all night. I. Miss. Him. More than yesterday. It seems every day I miss him more. Michael has had a really bad week. A good friend of his took his life and that has jolted him and their group of friends. I wish that I could be more.. there..for Michael right now. I want to hug him and try to make him feel better. I wish I could hold his hand or kiss him. This is way harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought I was guarding my heart after Bryan... but at some point and I don't know when, I started to raise that gate that separated Michael and my heart...

Well, the third thing I had to write about was work. I was on fire today. In order to take my mind off of my second on this list, I have thoroughly thrown myself into work. I got so much done. I started projects and actually finished them. It's really nice to have that finality at work, because I'm feeling so undone in most other areas.

Right before I was leaving for the day my friend Michael B. (who I will call Mike, to make it less confusing) text messaged me and basically ordered me to go run errands with him. So I did. I wasn't planning on announcing that Michael and I were no longer together, but I showed him the picture of my Mom and I eating Filhose (Portuguese Doughnuts) on Fat Tuesday and asked if he had had any. He grabbed my phone and this was the following conversation.

Mike: "Oh my gosh. Who is this girl? Is she single??"
Me: "Which one?"
Mike: "Which one? (pause...) Is one of them single?"
Me: "Uhh... (pause, trying to decide what to say).. yes."
Mike: "Oh. (shocked face) Your Mom and Larry got a divorce?" (jokingly)
Me: "Yeah...cause all of a sudden we've entered the twilight zone."
Mike: "What happened?"
Me: (Tells story) "Please don't tell anyone. It kind of sunk my self-esteem."
Mike: (looks at me like I'm an idiot) He ditched you to lock himself in an apartment? He DITCHED you? Wow. He's insane. Any guy that would do that to YOU is insane."

We dropped it after that. His reaction kind of confused me. I didn't quite understand why he emphasized the YOU in that last sentence. Anyways, I had also mentioned to him that I was dieting because I wanted to lose a good twenty pounds and he immediately freaked out. So he took me straight to Mickey D's where he ordered two ice cream cones. We sat in the parking lot, talked and ate. I'm not too mad at myself though because I pushed a good part of the top off into a bag so I ate less ice cream. I was pretty proud.

When he dropped me off, I helped Denise unload the rest of the dishes and we went off to Bath and Body Works to use a gift card we each had. I walked away with a Warm Vanilla Sugar Wallflower Plug In so my room, as I type, smells like, well, me! I also bought a new body cream called Moonlight Path. It's going to be really good to use right before bed. And the best part: We each received a free zebra print tote with purchase! It was awesome! I got a teal and white one, Denise got one that was black and white. We're going to use them to grocery shop.

Saving our world one plastic bag at a time. :)

Moving On...

It is always hard after a break up. I was just telling Alison today that I've been doing well, but that since a large part of my day is gone, I am feeling a huge void.

If that wasn't bad enough, I've been having some self esteem issues because of this. If Michael hadn't chosen to do what he did in the apartment, we wouldn't be here. But, that is what he chose, and it was his right. I can't change it.

I also can't help but wonder why I wasn't enough for him to decide to not smoke. The one thing that he knew I couldn't stand, he did anyways. I wasn't mad at him for getting impossibly drunk. I wouldn't have even been mad if he had passed out from his drinking. But what he did in the apartment was enough for me to walk away without hesitation. He knew that about me. I never made it a secret...but he chose to do it. I guess that is the thing that hurts the most.

Back to the void, I've been trying to fill it with good things. I've been working out, bring work home with me, staying a bit more focused at work (well, most of the time) and doing things around the house. It also has required a LOT of music, which is never a bad thing. :)

Every day is getting easier. I'm pretty blessed to have the family and friends that I do. They always seem to rally around me at the best times. I love them very, very much.

Oh! Denise just reminded me that Prina is coming down for the weekend, so now I really have something to look forward too. I think us girls are going to go out dancing. A proven way to get over a broken heart? GIRL TIME!

Yay!

It's Confirmed...

Michael and I have called it quits.

I was pretty sad yesterday. I finally broke down right before dinner with Mom, Larry and Denise and Me N Ed's, which of course, my mom noticed immediately. When Dee and I got home, I spoke with Michael over the internet and we finalized everything.

It's really disappointing when a relationship that you had pretty high hopes for disintegrates. When Michael and I first started talking, it was amazing. We'd stay up until all hours of the night, whether it was online, on the phone, once at Monroe and once at Kings River. It was very easy, never forced.

I was always pretty amazed that he was interested. I'm an old fashioned good girl and he is more mainstream. When he would tell me that he was getting tired of the 'party life' and wanted to grow up, I believed him. He seemed pretty old fashioned himself... Oh well. For now, I'm too jaded to even try to figure out what was real in the relationship and what wasn't.

All day today I tried hard to not think about him or our relationship, because every time I do my heart starts fluttering and I get this sad pain in my chest. I'm really bummed but I have to be honest, I hate feeling this way, knowing that on his end, he's fine. I wish I could just shrug it off and not let it affect me, but it's hard.

On a lighter note, I got a lot done at work today. Kim was having a huge issue with Excel for most of the morning and she finally asked me for help. She showed me that every time she tried to collapse the subtotals on her salary schedule she would lose three lines of employees. After tweaking with it for a good five minutes and trying to figure out the problem, I told her to go throw each cell in the line so I could look at the codes. BEHOLD! There was a incorrect code in the cell which was causing it to collapse. She was pretty impressed. She was also pretty bummed that she had spent the whole morning on this problem and it ended up being solved in seven minutes by me. But it boosted my ego a bit and left me feeling good.

Right now, I'm hearing Vanity Fair playing in Denise's room. The poor girl is sick. She is also drugged up, which means I'm going to have to find my camera so I can video her craziness. It's always good for a laugh after she's done being sick. :)

Well, I'm off to work on Latchkey. I brought some invoices home with me and I plan on popping in a movie and watching as I work.

A Dreary Day in Hanfordtown

I've stared at this screen for a good ten minutes and I still don't know how to begin.

I'm so sad indescribable right now.

This weekend was not at all as I hoped it would be. Without going into too much detail, Denise and I ended up leaving Santa Barbara last night, instead of the planned 3:00pm today.

I have no clue what I am going to do. I'm hurt, frustrated, sad, angry...and most of all I feel completely disrespected. There are so many things running through my mind right now, I can't think straight.

All I know, is that I already have a relationship that is defined by alcohol. I have already had a relationship that was torn apart from disrespect, lack of caring and bad choices.

I don't want another relationship to be that way. So far, it seems like the decisions we make as a couple are completely disregarded when he feels it should be so. It seems that instead of honoring our relationship and the compromising that we have done, it's easier to completely dismiss it and go along with the majority. If it's an attempt to seem more manly, to save face or to seem unaffected by the 'woman' in his life, I couldn't tell you.

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want this type of relationship. I'm looking for something more meaningful, something more real and honest. I'm looking for something fun yet still mature. I want someone to be my partner, my teammate, my best friend.

As of right now, I don't feel like a have a partner or teammate. I feel alone.