In Honor of Valentines...

Valentine's Day.

Where do I even start?

As trite as it sounds, I love love. Love is one of the most powerful emotions the creatures on earth experience. You have love between spouses, love between parents and their children, love between two children, and love is even so powerful it can be experienced between humans and animals.

I do not, however, love Valentine's day. I feel like a lot of men love Valentine's day because it can be their "catch-all" day. I would guess that for most of the other 364 days men don't pay attention to the romantic needs of their prospective wives and girlfriends. They don't woo their women after they have sealed the deal and they use Valentine's day as a way to go all out for their partners.

Which frankly, sucks.

I'm sure a lot of women say they hate February 14 on a rule, because if they set their sights low, the man they are dating could just take them out to dinner at McDonald's and it would be an improvement. But then again, a lot of women might REALLY look forward to it because they know it is the ONE DAY that their man might do something really spectacular and that falling-in-love feeling comes back for a moment, oozes into the next few days and then finally tapers away.

And lets not forget, some men might use Valentine's day to make up all the time they spent thinking about and watching football, and then also having three or four different fantasy football leagues to attend to. So, they do something sweet for all the time their wives wasted on making dip and grabbing them chips from the pantry.

Sigh. How sad. All of those versions up there just make my heart ache.

As much as I can see why the idea of having a day to honor love could be admirable; To actually sit down and think about where you would be without the love of your family and friends. To take a step back and just remember the feelings you felt for your man or woman when loved stopped being a flutter in your stomach and became more of a choice and commitment. It seems like a good idea, in theory. In practice? I don't know. I'm not convinced yet. I feel like there is just not enough expressions of love during the rest of the year.

Now, just for the sake of saying it, expressions of love don't have to be over the top and costly. When my husband takes out the trash without me having to ask, that is a huge expression of love. When he feeds our dogs every day like clock work, its an expression of love. Even when he carts off to work to provide for our life together, that is an expression of love. And most days, I have to remind myself to take a moment to THINK about it. To remember that doing the tedious things we do for each other is a very important expression of love.

But there also has to be more than that. A man should court his wife every day. He should give her devoted attention and he should flirt with her and woo her just like he would if he was still trying to spark up a relationship with her. He should do things on a weekly or biweekly basis, like write her love notes and/or leave a flower on his pillow if he leaves before her in the morning. It should be a constant. Romance is so absolutely and completely necessary in a relationship.

Such simple things can be done to keep it alive. Maybe Valentine's day has killed the meaning of romance. Romance doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It doesn't have to be running through a town in Italy to stop her from marrying someone else. It certainly doesn't have to be thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. That is not what it needs or has to be. Its small things. Small continual moments, running after her out the door to give her just one last kiss, surprising her with a cup of coffee and the book she's obsessed with on a Saturday morning. It's running her a bath at the end of a rough day. Such simple, non-monetary expressions of love that will keep her eyes only on you.

That is what love is all about... Well, at least to me.

What I DO love about Valentine's day is kind of specific to my job. Its so cute to get a couple of students in the office that hand out Valentine's day cards, looking so sweet and giving. They get so excited when they hand their special card to you.

Two days ago two little girls, of Kindergarten age, came in and one handed us each a book-marker and the other handed us a valentine. When I said thank you and they moved on, I looked at them both more closely.

The second little girl, Lainee, gave a Valentine's day card that was a jumbled puzzle! And each piece was a sticker, which you would peel off and stick to the other side, in the appropriate numbered box.

This is the front, almost halfway through the Valentine card.

This is the back! So far so good!


Ta-DA! So cute. Its a PUG. And its kind of awesome because I have... or had a pug. My dad kind of adopted her! :)


On other love-related news, its February 12. It would be my Mom and Dad's anniversary. And even though they don't celebrate it, us girls still do. It's still a part of our history. The best thing my Mom and Dad ever did was have us girls... for me, specifically Alie and Kari. I'm so happy that when I was little I had annoying big sisters to pick on me and be there for me. Now, I'm even happier that my big sisters are my best friends.

Always,

Life is Not a Fantasy...

I have been so busy lately, it's pretty incredible. My sister, Kari complained because I haven't been blogging.

I'll start by saying that one week and one day after the whole 'incident' with Michael happened, we talked on the phone. That entire week, we'd been at odds. I was upset because he didn't have the decency to call me, I was angry because everyone promised he would realize his mistake and he'd call me and he didn't. I was confused and felt like all those times he said that I meant so much to him and that I was exactly the kind of girl he wanted was a lie. First of all, I don't think you should treat people that "mean a lot to you" like that. Second, obviously I didn't mean much to him, because he didn't call. And third... The kind of girl he wanted? Why would he want a girl like me, if I'm the kind of girl that doesn't condone things like drugs? What is the point of wanting a "good girl" if you are only going to shove all the things that make her good in her face? Why want a good girl when you want to make bad decisions? (Maybe he thought I was the 'good girl' that wanted a 'bad boy'. I'm not. I want a good boy to be my partner, to have fun with and also care for and be cared for... pretty simple, or at least, I think it is.)

The whole week after his birthday, we were making pretty bitter remarks to each other. That Sunday, we talked. And not much came from it except that we're not angry with each other... I told him why I was upset and he told me why he was. Then he says something to the effect of, "I'm so confused. I don't know what you would act like in the future. I mean, how am I supposed to take you to Vegas? What if things got out of hand, would you leave again?"

Those comments nearly knocked my breath out. It's like... how insensitive. If it was the other way around and I was inviting him some where like Vegas, or really, anywhere, I would make sure that we had fun, but that I was aware of his comfort level. It's just like having a guest stay at your house. You try to be accommodating. I was really nervous and excited for Vegas. I wanted to have a good time, but having a good time does not equal bending on my morals. Just because I am in a different zip code doesn't mean I'll behave any differently than if I was in good ol' Hanford, where my parents know about everything I do within minutes of my doing it.

What it came down to was that Michael is two different people trapped in one body. Hanford Michael and I got along really well. Going out to dinner or a bar, drinking a few beers, playing pool, hanging with friends or family... Always fun. Then there is Isla Vista Michael. Megan and Isla Vista Michael don't get along so much. IV Michael is a bit more liberal in the choices he makes. He knows what he does there won't be reported to his parents or get back to his aunts. So, if I may say so, he let's it all hang out.

Which is fine. Honestly, I wasn't naive to the IV way of life. I know what happens there. I've heard and seen what happens there. It was fine with me. The parties, the drinking, although not my favorite, were there. Michael really did slow down. And he probably did a lot of it because of me, because of our long distance relationship. Everything would have been fine, I think, if he had chosen to decline the drugs. Everything else I can tolerate, except drugs. Which, I guess was something he didn't want to compromise on.

Moving on from that, I've been having a whole lot of fun lately! I've actually felt like I'm not a prude, 35 year old woman, but a 21-25ish person. I've been staying out later. Going out with friends. Having a few drinks with dinner. Getting all cute and dressed up and going out instead of staying in with a good movie or book and lots of sleep. (I do miss the sleep, though.)

One of the people that I have been hanging out with is Mike B. Which can be and is dangerous. He is such a honest, straight up good guy that it would be really easy to fall for him. Every time we hang out, he opens the door for me. It doesn't matter that we're just friends, he opens the door for me, without fail. He is hilarious and brings out the younger, goofy side of me. He's extremely thoughtful. He truly is a catch. Hands down. I love spending time with him.

This Saturday we went to Fresno to have dinner with his Uncle, (who has an amazing house) and we went to Edwards to see Watchmen. We both liked the movie. However, we were both pretty unprepared for the graphic love scene... Where we both covered each others eyes. So there we were in a packed theater covering our eyes during the sex scene.. I bet everyone thought we were crazy.

I've also been hanging out with Jon, who is an old friend of mine from Woodrow. He's had a rough life and is totally the opposite of me in every way, but is still amazing. He is a tattoo artist who is big and burly, and is covered with tattoos. So are all of his friends. And then I walk in with him in my normal Megan clothes (which are all modest, because heck, I work at a school. And I'm not going to buy two sets of clothes, one for work and one for my nightlife. Well..because I don't HAVE a nightlife.) I do not fit in with his friends. At. All. Jon compared it to a rose next to brass knuckles. Which in his world makes sense.

Somehow, this leads me to two people I have been really worried about. Katie and my Dad. My Dad has been having a really hard time lately. I've been having horrible dreams about him. It is like he is giving up. I've been praying so much for him. I miss him like crazy. I wish so bad that I could make a difference in his life. I wish there was something I could do to save him. I just feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and watching him fall. It is so hard to be the daughter of a Binge-Drinker Alcoholic. I have my Dad part of the time.. but then he's gone. And I just wait for his call. It's been over a week since I've talked to him. In February, I didn't talk to him for three weeks. He drank for three weeks straight. When I saw him, it broke my heart. It breaks my heart every day.

It's really hard for me to admit but I don't think he'll be alive when I get married. I have this awful feeling that he is not going to be around to walk me down the aisle. To give me away to make the biggest commitment of my life. He won't be there to see me get all big and pregnant, or to hold his grandson or granddaughter. I'll miss all of those memories because with every drink he takes, he is killing himself. I'm jealous because Alison and Kari will have some of those memories, when I just don't think I will. I can feel it. He's given up on God. He has no hope to change. He sees no reason to go to AA because everyone there falls. He doesn't see that they fall, but get right back up and try to continue their sobriety. It's all excuses. My Dad is giving in to the alcohol... And then people wonder why I don't drink a lot or get drunk. It's amazing.

I worry about Katie because she is going through a lot of things right now with her husband, Zac. She talks to me and tells me what I'm sure is only part of what is really going on. It is not too big of a secret that Zac and I don't get along. I don't like the way he treats Katie. I think that they went really fast and were/are really young... Now they are going through some of the consequences. I just hate that Katie is hurting. A part of me wants to tell her to run far away from him but another part of me wants me to tell her that she made a commitment and she needs to work it out. Mostly, I stay quiet. I don't want to say something that will upset our friendship and have her push me out of her life... I know she's going to need me to support her.

On a happier note, I've spent more time with Kari lately. Which is always awesome... but it always makes me miss Alison. Both girls are doing very well and both are busy with their families, jobs, church activities, etc.

Denise and Brian are going strong and I couldn't be happier! I've wanted to see something flourish between them for a long time.. and now that it has, it seems to be a really great thing. I'm so excited for them!

On the relationship front for me, I'm not looking. I'm going to just stay where I am for a while... Make sure that I get over Michael completely and continue to work on myself and my relationship with God. I've been going to church every Sunday and have been trying to read my Bible a few times a week. It's hard to get in the habit but well worth it.

I'm hoping to update more this week.. so stay tuned!