In Honor of Valentines...

Valentine's Day.

Where do I even start?

As trite as it sounds, I love love. Love is one of the most powerful emotions the creatures on earth experience. You have love between spouses, love between parents and their children, love between two children, and love is even so powerful it can be experienced between humans and animals.

I do not, however, love Valentine's day. I feel like a lot of men love Valentine's day because it can be their "catch-all" day. I would guess that for most of the other 364 days men don't pay attention to the romantic needs of their prospective wives and girlfriends. They don't woo their women after they have sealed the deal and they use Valentine's day as a way to go all out for their partners.

Which frankly, sucks.

I'm sure a lot of women say they hate February 14 on a rule, because if they set their sights low, the man they are dating could just take them out to dinner at McDonald's and it would be an improvement. But then again, a lot of women might REALLY look forward to it because they know it is the ONE DAY that their man might do something really spectacular and that falling-in-love feeling comes back for a moment, oozes into the next few days and then finally tapers away.

And lets not forget, some men might use Valentine's day to make up all the time they spent thinking about and watching football, and then also having three or four different fantasy football leagues to attend to. So, they do something sweet for all the time their wives wasted on making dip and grabbing them chips from the pantry.

Sigh. How sad. All of those versions up there just make my heart ache.

As much as I can see why the idea of having a day to honor love could be admirable; To actually sit down and think about where you would be without the love of your family and friends. To take a step back and just remember the feelings you felt for your man or woman when loved stopped being a flutter in your stomach and became more of a choice and commitment. It seems like a good idea, in theory. In practice? I don't know. I'm not convinced yet. I feel like there is just not enough expressions of love during the rest of the year.

Now, just for the sake of saying it, expressions of love don't have to be over the top and costly. When my husband takes out the trash without me having to ask, that is a huge expression of love. When he feeds our dogs every day like clock work, its an expression of love. Even when he carts off to work to provide for our life together, that is an expression of love. And most days, I have to remind myself to take a moment to THINK about it. To remember that doing the tedious things we do for each other is a very important expression of love.

But there also has to be more than that. A man should court his wife every day. He should give her devoted attention and he should flirt with her and woo her just like he would if he was still trying to spark up a relationship with her. He should do things on a weekly or biweekly basis, like write her love notes and/or leave a flower on his pillow if he leaves before her in the morning. It should be a constant. Romance is so absolutely and completely necessary in a relationship.

Such simple things can be done to keep it alive. Maybe Valentine's day has killed the meaning of romance. Romance doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It doesn't have to be running through a town in Italy to stop her from marrying someone else. It certainly doesn't have to be thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. That is not what it needs or has to be. Its small things. Small continual moments, running after her out the door to give her just one last kiss, surprising her with a cup of coffee and the book she's obsessed with on a Saturday morning. It's running her a bath at the end of a rough day. Such simple, non-monetary expressions of love that will keep her eyes only on you.

That is what love is all about... Well, at least to me.

What I DO love about Valentine's day is kind of specific to my job. Its so cute to get a couple of students in the office that hand out Valentine's day cards, looking so sweet and giving. They get so excited when they hand their special card to you.

Two days ago two little girls, of Kindergarten age, came in and one handed us each a book-marker and the other handed us a valentine. When I said thank you and they moved on, I looked at them both more closely.

The second little girl, Lainee, gave a Valentine's day card that was a jumbled puzzle! And each piece was a sticker, which you would peel off and stick to the other side, in the appropriate numbered box.

This is the front, almost halfway through the Valentine card.

This is the back! So far so good!


Ta-DA! So cute. Its a PUG. And its kind of awesome because I have... or had a pug. My dad kind of adopted her! :)


On other love-related news, its February 12. It would be my Mom and Dad's anniversary. And even though they don't celebrate it, us girls still do. It's still a part of our history. The best thing my Mom and Dad ever did was have us girls... for me, specifically Alie and Kari. I'm so happy that when I was little I had annoying big sisters to pick on me and be there for me. Now, I'm even happier that my big sisters are my best friends.

Always,

Matters of the Heart

**This post is totally coming from a disheartened Megan. Just an FYI for you.**

Most of the time I am okay with coming from a broken family. Most of the time I feel like I have overcome a lot of obstacles to get me to where I am today. And I feel like so far, I've succeeded.

Yes, I've made mistakes. Little ones and big ones. But I've learned. I've grown. I've managed to escape huge disasters. A lot of people that know me have said at one point, "I have no clue how you and your sisters turned out the way you did."

But sometimes things happen. Events in a day. Something that triggers a memory. Sometimes I'll look at the picture I have of my Mom and Dad in the mountains with snow surrounding them and I remember the casualties.

I feel the ache in my heart knowing that my future children (if I have any) will never see their grandparents together. And maybe worse, I know that Emma and Brody, who are here now, will never get to go camping with their grandma and grandpa.. something that they loved to do. Or go to the lake and swim. Or swim in the pool with them together. When they are old enough, they might hear my parents love story, but they won't really get it, won't understand it. It'll be foreign.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that God has a plan that I am not going to even try to figure out. And I know that the people that my parents are with now are so awesome and I am happy to have them in my life.

But I also mourn the loss for my original family of 5. I get sad at how much the decisions that our parents made has affected not only their lives, but all of ours too. I'm sad that there are all these rivers and valleys between the five of us and we'll never find a bridge or walk the distance to find each other again.

Luckily, humans adapt. Even though part of me will always wish that I could revert time and control every detail to make things happen a different way, I will always reject the idea. I would never want to disrupt what we all have now.

Alison, a woman I admire so much, has a wonderful husband and a beautiful family. I would never risk altering her life.

Kari, my fierce and loving sister is so happy with her life and her hubby and lil Gunther and their new house that they are making a home more and more each day... and to think of doing anything in the past that might change that gets automatically thrown out.

Maybe because I am single and still figuring life out, I have time to think about these things. Maybe because I was the only one left when my family finally cut the ties and I watched it all happen I have a different view. I don't know.

I just know that nights like tonight I wish I could call my parents and get some type of advice. Which I could probably still do, but why bring it up when everyone has moved on?

Reflection

Four years ago, I was seventeen years old; I was about to graduate high school. I remember that it was a warm day, but I was cuddled on the couch with my first love, Bryan. I have absolutely no recollection of what we were watching, because (usually) I have a really bad memory. But I remember this day because this was an important moment in my life. Around this day, the twenty-second of May, I asked Bryan to be my boyfriend. I told him that I was ready to give our relationship another shot. I wanted one more chance to give the relationship all that I had to give and to see where it went. Bryan accepted. He wanted another shot at us, too.

Roughly a month later, I was having a really hard time with life. I was living solely with my Dad, who was having major issues at the time. I didn't have a license, I was working full time at Mervyns to make ends meet, I had no relationship with my Mom. One sister was on the east coast, one sister was in southern California and my best friend had moved to Fresno. Oh, and my boyfriend lived three hours away. Most importantly, I had almost no relationship with God.

I was totally and completely alone. When I was younger, I had an ongoing fight with depression. Sometimes it consumed me. After graduation, I had no one, no hope and no faith. I was just a being. I fought hard to keep my head above water.

During this time, instead of going out and partying with the people that stayed in Hanford, I stayed home. I awoke every day that summer at 11:30. I had three Oreos and a glass of milk that I ate while watching the first 15 minutes of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' in whatever room that had a TV that my Dad was not passed out in. I took 15 minutes to shower, watched All My Children for an hour as I did my make-up and got dressed. At one, I did my hair. At one-fifteen, I would try to wake my Dad up. On the days that I succeeded, I drove him and myself to Mervyn's and told him to pick me up at eleven that night. If he didn't wake up, I took the truck and drove myself.

I would work from 2:00 to 11:00 every day. On the nights that I drove, I would cautiously drive myself home. On the nights that I told my dad to pick me up, 25% of the time he wouldn't show. One time, I walked home. Other times, I got a ride from a friend that would mercifully climb out of bed to come get me. Sometimes, I would get a ride from a friend at work. Once, I called my Mom. She dropped me off in tears. When he would be there, he would have already climbed out of the drivers’ seat into the passenger side; because he knew that I would not let him drive me.

I would go home, log on to the computer, surf the internet, listen to music and would be asleep by 2:00 every morning.

Amazing. To even type this. To even have lived that life. Fast forward four years and I am sitting in the cutest house ever, with my cat, Danny, curled up on my right side. I am sitting on my bed with a brand-new laptop that I am working as many hours as I can to pay off. I look up and I see my tiny flat screen TV that I bought with Christmas money. I see all the clothes that I have paid for. The furniture I have acquired. I know that outside the wall that I'm leaning against, my car, that I pay for every single month is sitting there, shining in the sun. I can bask in the fact that I don't have to return to my awesome accounting job for three days because of the Holiday on Monday. I know that I can walk into my backyard, play with my dog, and soak up the sun. I know that in 18 minutes, my best friend is going to be off work and on her way home so that we can hang out.

Not everything that I have done over the past four years has worked out. But just taking the time to remember what I've gone through, where I was, who I was and to appreciate where I am, who I have, what I have and who I am is like breathing fresh air. It’s like stepping out of your car after a long drive in the mountains and smelling the pine trees. Hearing the kids splashing in the lake. It’s like being transported into one of your favorite memories.

The past year of my life has passed so quickly, with so many changes. And now that it's starting to slow, God is pulling my heart to look back, to reflect, to remember. Even though some of it hurts, He is showing me that He delivered me. He answered all the prayers that I prayed. Maybe not in the way that I wanted or when I wanted but in the way that I needed and on His precious time.

God has created such a beautiful moment for me today.

I was dreading today. I was dreading it because both Bryan and I, a few months after we renewed our relationship, could NOT remember what day we did it on. So four years ago, I picked May 22. I picked the 22nd because 22 has always been my favorite number. And here it is. The 22 is today. Like I said, I was dreading it. I didn't want to remember all the 'good times' with Bryan. I didn't want to wonder what it would be like if we were still together today. I've prayed and asked God all week to be with me. To help it be a nice day to remember, not one that throws me off. I prayed and again, He was most faithful. He used today to remind me of His unending love. He reminded me that four years ago, I didn't have God in my life but I do now. He showed me the difference of living in this world without Him and living in this world in Him.

It is inspiring. His grace and His mercy astound me. Four years ago I was angry with God. Angry enough to turn away from him. Angry enough to scream and cry and doubt him. I was angry that my life had been such a train wreck. Everyone would say, "God knows the deepest desires of your heart and He is faithful." Then at the time, He knew that my deepest desire was to have my family back. To rewind and have a happy childhood filled with awesome memories and regular family problems. He knew how pained I was that I had missed out on my Mom and Dads best days, because once I arrived there were hardly any. He knew how I coveted my sisters’ memories of my Mom and Dad, happy and in love. I rarely got to see that. Both He and I remember how I would curse his name, how much I sinned, and still sin. And yet he cradles me and loves me like no one this earth ever can. He blesses me each and every day even though I don't deserve it.

What an awesome God.