In Honor of Valentines...

Valentine's Day.

Where do I even start?

As trite as it sounds, I love love. Love is one of the most powerful emotions the creatures on earth experience. You have love between spouses, love between parents and their children, love between two children, and love is even so powerful it can be experienced between humans and animals.

I do not, however, love Valentine's day. I feel like a lot of men love Valentine's day because it can be their "catch-all" day. I would guess that for most of the other 364 days men don't pay attention to the romantic needs of their prospective wives and girlfriends. They don't woo their women after they have sealed the deal and they use Valentine's day as a way to go all out for their partners.

Which frankly, sucks.

I'm sure a lot of women say they hate February 14 on a rule, because if they set their sights low, the man they are dating could just take them out to dinner at McDonald's and it would be an improvement. But then again, a lot of women might REALLY look forward to it because they know it is the ONE DAY that their man might do something really spectacular and that falling-in-love feeling comes back for a moment, oozes into the next few days and then finally tapers away.

And lets not forget, some men might use Valentine's day to make up all the time they spent thinking about and watching football, and then also having three or four different fantasy football leagues to attend to. So, they do something sweet for all the time their wives wasted on making dip and grabbing them chips from the pantry.

Sigh. How sad. All of those versions up there just make my heart ache.

As much as I can see why the idea of having a day to honor love could be admirable; To actually sit down and think about where you would be without the love of your family and friends. To take a step back and just remember the feelings you felt for your man or woman when loved stopped being a flutter in your stomach and became more of a choice and commitment. It seems like a good idea, in theory. In practice? I don't know. I'm not convinced yet. I feel like there is just not enough expressions of love during the rest of the year.

Now, just for the sake of saying it, expressions of love don't have to be over the top and costly. When my husband takes out the trash without me having to ask, that is a huge expression of love. When he feeds our dogs every day like clock work, its an expression of love. Even when he carts off to work to provide for our life together, that is an expression of love. And most days, I have to remind myself to take a moment to THINK about it. To remember that doing the tedious things we do for each other is a very important expression of love.

But there also has to be more than that. A man should court his wife every day. He should give her devoted attention and he should flirt with her and woo her just like he would if he was still trying to spark up a relationship with her. He should do things on a weekly or biweekly basis, like write her love notes and/or leave a flower on his pillow if he leaves before her in the morning. It should be a constant. Romance is so absolutely and completely necessary in a relationship.

Such simple things can be done to keep it alive. Maybe Valentine's day has killed the meaning of romance. Romance doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It doesn't have to be running through a town in Italy to stop her from marrying someone else. It certainly doesn't have to be thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. That is not what it needs or has to be. Its small things. Small continual moments, running after her out the door to give her just one last kiss, surprising her with a cup of coffee and the book she's obsessed with on a Saturday morning. It's running her a bath at the end of a rough day. Such simple, non-monetary expressions of love that will keep her eyes only on you.

That is what love is all about... Well, at least to me.

What I DO love about Valentine's day is kind of specific to my job. Its so cute to get a couple of students in the office that hand out Valentine's day cards, looking so sweet and giving. They get so excited when they hand their special card to you.

Two days ago two little girls, of Kindergarten age, came in and one handed us each a book-marker and the other handed us a valentine. When I said thank you and they moved on, I looked at them both more closely.

The second little girl, Lainee, gave a Valentine's day card that was a jumbled puzzle! And each piece was a sticker, which you would peel off and stick to the other side, in the appropriate numbered box.

This is the front, almost halfway through the Valentine card.

This is the back! So far so good!


Ta-DA! So cute. Its a PUG. And its kind of awesome because I have... or had a pug. My dad kind of adopted her! :)


On other love-related news, its February 12. It would be my Mom and Dad's anniversary. And even though they don't celebrate it, us girls still do. It's still a part of our history. The best thing my Mom and Dad ever did was have us girls... for me, specifically Alie and Kari. I'm so happy that when I was little I had annoying big sisters to pick on me and be there for me. Now, I'm even happier that my big sisters are my best friends.

Always,

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

This year, Bryan and I decided to have a couple of friends over the house to play games and hang out. Since our lease is up at the end of January, we decided that it would be more frugal then going out on the town. It ended up being us and Denise, Anna, Colleen and Jordan.

It was fun and laid back! Next year though, we're gonna party! Maybe.... Vegas? Who knows!

Here are a few pictures of our night!

My FAVORITE Neice... (for now, anyways)

I really don't even want to be typing this right now. I don't want to acknowledge, again, that its true.

My Emmers has turned 5 years old this year. WOW. Time has just whipped by. Crazy how it does that. Sometimes I can't believe how old I am, how old my friends are, that my sisters are married, that one of my sisters already has two kids, and another precious one of the way. Then Kari and Adam will add to their family, and Alison's kids will have cousins. COUSINS. That is just insane to me. But its also normal. I guess it'll always feel weird because I still see my sisters as they were when we were young. Heck, I still flip out when I look at the mirror. I remember wanting to be older, to be in love, to have long hair and be able to wear make-up. I wanted to be a grown up so badly. Now that I am, I'm like... Whooooa. No way, I'm still just a kid, until I look in the mirror and find that even though I look very similar to 8-year-old me, I have grown and matured. Which is the weirdest thing. Ever.

I digress. Emma wanted to get her ears pierced, badly. She was ready. Alison and Mark told her that for her birthday, if she still wanted to get it done, then that would be her present. Well, if you know anything about Emma, you know that she has a mind like her Mom. As soon as she gets something in her head, she follows through.

So, all of her aunts and her nana (Grandma was out of town that weekend) joined Alison and Emma to watch her experience the right-of-passage of getting her ears pierced at Claires in the local mall.

It was HIGHlarious. Emma was so nervous, but was acting so brave. Then, they marked her ears, and Alison checked, and double checked, and triple checked that they weren't lopsided. The two girls lined up and as soon as they did it, Emma SCREAMED and then burst into tears. She was over it pretty quickly, and she just wanted a mirror to look at her pretty new earrings.

Kari has a video of it, and once I get my hands on it I'll post for your viewing pleasure. (That's right Claires - We took video. So HA to you and your stinking rules.)

Enjoy the photos!

Haha, a classic Emma smile while for the chicks as Claires to come over.


All of us were talking to both Alie and Em to ease their nerves.


Emma hugged that bear so tight, she would have killed it if it had been real.


Getting her ears marked so that they were just right!


Alison encouraged her the entire time.

Emma's tears made her Momma cry!

Both Mom and Daughter survived the piercing!

Emma, cheesing it with her brand new accessories! :)

Fun Times at the Zoo

I would like to start off this blog by saying that July was one of the WORST months for me. It is a true saying when people reference, "when it rains, it pours." I can't believe the goings on of this past month and I am also saddened by the fact that July seems to be seeping into August.

The past month at work has been really difficult. Unfortunately, I can't go into much detail because things aren't resolved and maybe won't ever be. But if you could take a moment to pray for me and the people at work involved with the situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

Anywho, every summer I take a few days off to have a 'vacation' and this year I decided to escape to my sister house. Alison and Mark welcomed me in to their home for 4 whole days and I love spending time with them.

While we hung out and went to Coronado beach which is my FAVORITE beach, the biggest adventure that we had was going to the San Diego Zoo, a place that I had not been for quite some time. Actually, it had been over ten years ago that my Mom and Dad trekked our whole family to visit my Dad's cousin Dorothy who lives in San Diego.

The reason why I wanted to go so badly was because they just opened up the Elephant Odyssey and if you know anything about me you KNOW that I love elephants. Like... some people collect china plates with cat's on them. Some people collect beanie babies... I collect elephants. That's what I do.

Before I get to the pictures that I know you so desperately want to see, I needed to tell you a story and I wish above all other wishes (at the moment) that I had taken pictures. After we left the Elephant Odyssey portion of the zoo we went to see the lions (which is one of Alisons' favorite parts) as we were standing there, looking at the regal animals, Alison points out a sign. The sign warns that we are in a danger zone of BEING SPRAYED and we should keep back 9 feet. Seriously? How many people were at the zoo staring at the awesome power of the lions and then the lion lifted its leg and SPRAYED all over them?

That would be a good story though... to an extent. Maybe not for the person that was sprayed but for the person that is hearing the spraying story. Like... If Denise came to me and told me that she visited the zoo and was sprayed by the lions I would DIE laughing. Literally. And when I got to the pearly gates and Jesus came to see me, I would STILL be laughing. And because God created laughter and humor I think he would laugh a little too. But that's just me.

On to the pictures:

(Alison and I waiting in line so that she could purchase her season pass... I say to this picture, "Hello, Megans' Squished Nose.")

(The cutest Koala... possibly ever.)

(A leopard that was being walked around the park.)

(Me... standing in front of the elephants butts. :) )

(I could hardly contain my excitement.. They are so massive and awesome!)

( The only way this picture would be better is if the elephant was REAL!)

(Oh wait... I guess there is another way for the picture to be better, add Alison and viola!)

(My loves! They were so good all day... Emma loves the zoo! )

Matters of the Heart

**This post is totally coming from a disheartened Megan. Just an FYI for you.**

Most of the time I am okay with coming from a broken family. Most of the time I feel like I have overcome a lot of obstacles to get me to where I am today. And I feel like so far, I've succeeded.

Yes, I've made mistakes. Little ones and big ones. But I've learned. I've grown. I've managed to escape huge disasters. A lot of people that know me have said at one point, "I have no clue how you and your sisters turned out the way you did."

But sometimes things happen. Events in a day. Something that triggers a memory. Sometimes I'll look at the picture I have of my Mom and Dad in the mountains with snow surrounding them and I remember the casualties.

I feel the ache in my heart knowing that my future children (if I have any) will never see their grandparents together. And maybe worse, I know that Emma and Brody, who are here now, will never get to go camping with their grandma and grandpa.. something that they loved to do. Or go to the lake and swim. Or swim in the pool with them together. When they are old enough, they might hear my parents love story, but they won't really get it, won't understand it. It'll be foreign.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that God has a plan that I am not going to even try to figure out. And I know that the people that my parents are with now are so awesome and I am happy to have them in my life.

But I also mourn the loss for my original family of 5. I get sad at how much the decisions that our parents made has affected not only their lives, but all of ours too. I'm sad that there are all these rivers and valleys between the five of us and we'll never find a bridge or walk the distance to find each other again.

Luckily, humans adapt. Even though part of me will always wish that I could revert time and control every detail to make things happen a different way, I will always reject the idea. I would never want to disrupt what we all have now.

Alison, a woman I admire so much, has a wonderful husband and a beautiful family. I would never risk altering her life.

Kari, my fierce and loving sister is so happy with her life and her hubby and lil Gunther and their new house that they are making a home more and more each day... and to think of doing anything in the past that might change that gets automatically thrown out.

Maybe because I am single and still figuring life out, I have time to think about these things. Maybe because I was the only one left when my family finally cut the ties and I watched it all happen I have a different view. I don't know.

I just know that nights like tonight I wish I could call my parents and get some type of advice. Which I could probably still do, but why bring it up when everyone has moved on?

Life is Not a Fantasy...

I have been so busy lately, it's pretty incredible. My sister, Kari complained because I haven't been blogging.

I'll start by saying that one week and one day after the whole 'incident' with Michael happened, we talked on the phone. That entire week, we'd been at odds. I was upset because he didn't have the decency to call me, I was angry because everyone promised he would realize his mistake and he'd call me and he didn't. I was confused and felt like all those times he said that I meant so much to him and that I was exactly the kind of girl he wanted was a lie. First of all, I don't think you should treat people that "mean a lot to you" like that. Second, obviously I didn't mean much to him, because he didn't call. And third... The kind of girl he wanted? Why would he want a girl like me, if I'm the kind of girl that doesn't condone things like drugs? What is the point of wanting a "good girl" if you are only going to shove all the things that make her good in her face? Why want a good girl when you want to make bad decisions? (Maybe he thought I was the 'good girl' that wanted a 'bad boy'. I'm not. I want a good boy to be my partner, to have fun with and also care for and be cared for... pretty simple, or at least, I think it is.)

The whole week after his birthday, we were making pretty bitter remarks to each other. That Sunday, we talked. And not much came from it except that we're not angry with each other... I told him why I was upset and he told me why he was. Then he says something to the effect of, "I'm so confused. I don't know what you would act like in the future. I mean, how am I supposed to take you to Vegas? What if things got out of hand, would you leave again?"

Those comments nearly knocked my breath out. It's like... how insensitive. If it was the other way around and I was inviting him some where like Vegas, or really, anywhere, I would make sure that we had fun, but that I was aware of his comfort level. It's just like having a guest stay at your house. You try to be accommodating. I was really nervous and excited for Vegas. I wanted to have a good time, but having a good time does not equal bending on my morals. Just because I am in a different zip code doesn't mean I'll behave any differently than if I was in good ol' Hanford, where my parents know about everything I do within minutes of my doing it.

What it came down to was that Michael is two different people trapped in one body. Hanford Michael and I got along really well. Going out to dinner or a bar, drinking a few beers, playing pool, hanging with friends or family... Always fun. Then there is Isla Vista Michael. Megan and Isla Vista Michael don't get along so much. IV Michael is a bit more liberal in the choices he makes. He knows what he does there won't be reported to his parents or get back to his aunts. So, if I may say so, he let's it all hang out.

Which is fine. Honestly, I wasn't naive to the IV way of life. I know what happens there. I've heard and seen what happens there. It was fine with me. The parties, the drinking, although not my favorite, were there. Michael really did slow down. And he probably did a lot of it because of me, because of our long distance relationship. Everything would have been fine, I think, if he had chosen to decline the drugs. Everything else I can tolerate, except drugs. Which, I guess was something he didn't want to compromise on.

Moving on from that, I've been having a whole lot of fun lately! I've actually felt like I'm not a prude, 35 year old woman, but a 21-25ish person. I've been staying out later. Going out with friends. Having a few drinks with dinner. Getting all cute and dressed up and going out instead of staying in with a good movie or book and lots of sleep. (I do miss the sleep, though.)

One of the people that I have been hanging out with is Mike B. Which can be and is dangerous. He is such a honest, straight up good guy that it would be really easy to fall for him. Every time we hang out, he opens the door for me. It doesn't matter that we're just friends, he opens the door for me, without fail. He is hilarious and brings out the younger, goofy side of me. He's extremely thoughtful. He truly is a catch. Hands down. I love spending time with him.

This Saturday we went to Fresno to have dinner with his Uncle, (who has an amazing house) and we went to Edwards to see Watchmen. We both liked the movie. However, we were both pretty unprepared for the graphic love scene... Where we both covered each others eyes. So there we were in a packed theater covering our eyes during the sex scene.. I bet everyone thought we were crazy.

I've also been hanging out with Jon, who is an old friend of mine from Woodrow. He's had a rough life and is totally the opposite of me in every way, but is still amazing. He is a tattoo artist who is big and burly, and is covered with tattoos. So are all of his friends. And then I walk in with him in my normal Megan clothes (which are all modest, because heck, I work at a school. And I'm not going to buy two sets of clothes, one for work and one for my nightlife. Well..because I don't HAVE a nightlife.) I do not fit in with his friends. At. All. Jon compared it to a rose next to brass knuckles. Which in his world makes sense.

Somehow, this leads me to two people I have been really worried about. Katie and my Dad. My Dad has been having a really hard time lately. I've been having horrible dreams about him. It is like he is giving up. I've been praying so much for him. I miss him like crazy. I wish so bad that I could make a difference in his life. I wish there was something I could do to save him. I just feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and watching him fall. It is so hard to be the daughter of a Binge-Drinker Alcoholic. I have my Dad part of the time.. but then he's gone. And I just wait for his call. It's been over a week since I've talked to him. In February, I didn't talk to him for three weeks. He drank for three weeks straight. When I saw him, it broke my heart. It breaks my heart every day.

It's really hard for me to admit but I don't think he'll be alive when I get married. I have this awful feeling that he is not going to be around to walk me down the aisle. To give me away to make the biggest commitment of my life. He won't be there to see me get all big and pregnant, or to hold his grandson or granddaughter. I'll miss all of those memories because with every drink he takes, he is killing himself. I'm jealous because Alison and Kari will have some of those memories, when I just don't think I will. I can feel it. He's given up on God. He has no hope to change. He sees no reason to go to AA because everyone there falls. He doesn't see that they fall, but get right back up and try to continue their sobriety. It's all excuses. My Dad is giving in to the alcohol... And then people wonder why I don't drink a lot or get drunk. It's amazing.

I worry about Katie because she is going through a lot of things right now with her husband, Zac. She talks to me and tells me what I'm sure is only part of what is really going on. It is not too big of a secret that Zac and I don't get along. I don't like the way he treats Katie. I think that they went really fast and were/are really young... Now they are going through some of the consequences. I just hate that Katie is hurting. A part of me wants to tell her to run far away from him but another part of me wants me to tell her that she made a commitment and she needs to work it out. Mostly, I stay quiet. I don't want to say something that will upset our friendship and have her push me out of her life... I know she's going to need me to support her.

On a happier note, I've spent more time with Kari lately. Which is always awesome... but it always makes me miss Alison. Both girls are doing very well and both are busy with their families, jobs, church activities, etc.

Denise and Brian are going strong and I couldn't be happier! I've wanted to see something flourish between them for a long time.. and now that it has, it seems to be a really great thing. I'm so excited for them!

On the relationship front for me, I'm not looking. I'm going to just stay where I am for a while... Make sure that I get over Michael completely and continue to work on myself and my relationship with God. I've been going to church every Sunday and have been trying to read my Bible a few times a week. It's hard to get in the habit but well worth it.

I'm hoping to update more this week.. so stay tuned!

Moving On...

It is always hard after a break up. I was just telling Alison today that I've been doing well, but that since a large part of my day is gone, I am feeling a huge void.

If that wasn't bad enough, I've been having some self esteem issues because of this. If Michael hadn't chosen to do what he did in the apartment, we wouldn't be here. But, that is what he chose, and it was his right. I can't change it.

I also can't help but wonder why I wasn't enough for him to decide to not smoke. The one thing that he knew I couldn't stand, he did anyways. I wasn't mad at him for getting impossibly drunk. I wouldn't have even been mad if he had passed out from his drinking. But what he did in the apartment was enough for me to walk away without hesitation. He knew that about me. I never made it a secret...but he chose to do it. I guess that is the thing that hurts the most.

Back to the void, I've been trying to fill it with good things. I've been working out, bring work home with me, staying a bit more focused at work (well, most of the time) and doing things around the house. It also has required a LOT of music, which is never a bad thing. :)

Every day is getting easier. I'm pretty blessed to have the family and friends that I do. They always seem to rally around me at the best times. I love them very, very much.

Oh! Denise just reminded me that Prina is coming down for the weekend, so now I really have something to look forward too. I think us girls are going to go out dancing. A proven way to get over a broken heart? GIRL TIME!

Yay!

Movie Review: Push

Rated: PG-13
Director: Paul McGuigan (Lucky Number Sleven, Wicker Park)
Actors: Chris Evans, Dakota Fanning, Camilla Belle, Djimon Hounsou
You can read a synopsis of Push here.

Push was a good movie. It was entertaining, if a bit long. The great thing was there wasn't much cussing, no use of the F-Bomb and there wasn't any sex - at all. The only thing I can really remember is when the hero and heroine kissed, there was a shot of him grabbing her butt. Which in my book is not bad at all, considering other movies. There were a few scenes in the movie where the continuity was not....great. Some wrong placements. There was also a scene that came out of no where, that didn't really fit. But all in all, it was a good movie. Kids can watch it. It is easy to understand. If you like a toned down X-Men or Heroes, this is the movie for you.

Tuesday Musings

Strength.

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

All throughout our lives we have faced times that called for strength. We have all had broken hearts, shattered dreams, fear for a loved one, failure, rejection. Each time we had to be strong, to breathe. To remember that the pain will fade.

When Bryan and I first ended, I thought I would die. The pain was overwhelming. It was a heavy burden that I could not carry. Parts during that time are fuzzy. I remember collapsing on my bathroom floor in the apartment because I couldn't take the pain. Because I had loved so strongly, so purely and so deeply that I couldn't breathe through the pain. I couldn't force myself to put on an unaffected front. I did, however, have the foresight to grab my phone and call Denise, and she calmly talked me down as only a good friend would.

I also remember going to Kari's house for dinner and my Mom was there. I remember we weren't even talking about Bryan or my relationship. All of a sudden a memory came back so strong that I just started crying. I went upstairs and hid in her curtains where I cried. Eventually, they found me. And do you know what they did? They came behind the curtains with me and let me cry.

I relied so much on my family and friends during that time that I don't think I would've ever recovered had I not had them. Honestly, I know I wouldn't have recovered so completely had I not had their love to help get me through.

Sometimes we forget just how important it is to have people to get us through when we feel we aren't strong enough. And when it is something personal, maybe we are fighting a demon no one knows about, it's important to remember that our battles are not to be fought by us. It's important to let Jesus take the wheel of our lives and let him steer us through anything that comes along and also to get us where we should be. It hard to let someone else in, to let them see ourselves as vulnerable. We won't allow our family and friends to be the rock that we need them to be out of pride.

It's really hard for me to let go of that control. It's really hard to be hurting and not shove it down so that I don't have to feel it or deal with it.

I really hope that if there is anything going on in your life that hurts or something that you are not strong enough to bear, that you aren't burying it or masking it with alcohol, drugs, or sex. I hope that you deal with it.


Carrying pain and heartache inside of you forever changes you. I carried around pain and felt that I wasn't worth to have someone love me like I should have been loved. I stayed in a relationship for three years that I never should have been in because I felt like I wasn't strong enough to make it outside of it. I let myself love without guarding my heart and it blew up in my face. I have learned now to be more honest with myself because of it.

I think everyone needs to be a little bit more honest with themselves.

I really don't know the point of this blog. Maybe its for those who are hurting and need to remember that saying that you aren't strong enough doesn't mean you are saying you are weak. Maybe it's saying that if you have someone in your life that you care about, you should let them know. Maybe it's for the person that needs to open up to one of their core people. I don't know.

What I do know is that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.