Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Its poor form to post a blog like I did and not follow up within a few days but I've been busy. Frankly, I just haven't had much heart to post anything about my personal life.

I have slept! Thank God, because I am so grumpy when I don't sleep. I left work early on Friday because I kept nodding off. Denise was getting her car worked on and I had to drive her back to her work, but right after that I went home and got in bed. I couldn't fall asleep. As soon as I did, my sister, Kari, called. It would be my luck, but she wanted to offer me some bath time in her awesome huge tub and I was appreciative of the gesture. I tried falling back asleep after that and couldn't. I finally got myself up and went to pick Denise up from work and take her back to the shop to get her car.

I've been asked why I haven't been able to sleep and I have no clue. I don't know if it was an overactive mind, or that fact that I got in a fight with a friend that I care very much about (over something very minimal but hormones played into it) and I hate to think that is what made me sleepless because that means I care way, way more than I previously thought I did... which is a good and bad thing.

Luckily, I kept myself very, very busy for the rest of the day on Friday and ended up sleeping solidly from 11:30pm to 10:30am. Yay! Grumpy Megan was out and Happy Megan was in!

I had a pretty chill weekend, hanging out with friends and what not. Church was very good and one of the ladies that helps with the Children's Ministry asked if I could be an adult supervisor for the next three weeks in the classroom, so I agreed. I have that to look forward to this weekend!

Unluckily, my car has been acting up and I'm not happy about it one bit. I'm trying to keep my patience with Skeeter but I found myself yelling at her a couple of times. (Her name is Margaret, but her nickname is Skeeter and she is a VW New Beetle.)

Now, back to comment about the lack of blogging about my personal life.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an outlet for me. I'm shy... and if you know me, like really know me, you are probably thinking, there is NO way she is shy. For those of you are thinking this I must remind you that yes, in fact I am shy, just not around you! :)

For those of you that don't know me and have met me in person, please don't take my awkwardness and silence as "I'm too good to talk with you." It's more of "I'm super shy and am scared to let you know my goofiness cause you might just think I'm a crazy person."

Everyone has their fears and mine is rejection. (I can't believe I wrote that.) So, I keep people at bay until I can trust that they won't run for the hills when they see that I am human, that parts of me are weak and parts are strong...and parts are downright nerdy. Some mistake this as me being stuck up, but I assure you that I am not. I like people. I like talking to people. I like meeting new people.. I just have a hard time with making the first move.

Anyway, in my last relationship I opened up quite a bit and I blogged about my feelings, thoughts, and fears. I tried to be as open and honest as I could and it kinda sorta blew up in my face.

Needless to say, I've been scared to write about my relationships with other people (male or female) because I don't want the same thing to happen.

Then, a bunch of people start commenting about how honest I am in my blog and they love it... What topped it off was that I logged in to Facebook and had a message from someone I was never close with in high school who said things that seriously made me tear up. Her support about my honestly really helped me to WANT to blog again and to be open in my blog.

After praying about it another day, I really feel like this blog is important for me in this time of my life. I feel called to write about my life and if it helps just ONE person to understand they are not alone, it is worth it.

The floodgates have been opened and I am BACK!

I hope that you will stay with me as I try to wade through the waters that is my life.

Friday, April 24, 2009

A Small Update

This week has been relatively good until a few nights ago. At this point, in the past 48 hours I have slept 6 hours. I have a terrible headache and I'm praying that it doesn't progress into a migraine.

I would appreciate any prayers you send my way. I'll be blogging lots more this weekend.

Thank the Lord that today is oatmeal day at school, its so comforting to me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

As I Wait...

for Denise to get home from work so that we can go swimming/tanning at my Mom's house, I think about my life.

So quickly things have started moving so fast. It's been a pretty wild ride lately. But, for the first time in a LONG time, I actually feel as though I am moving in the right direction. I know the path that is set before me will change with decisions I make, but I am counting on the Lord to see me through and relying on Him to counsel me on those forks in the road.

I have a couple of projects that I am wanting to start and I am hoping that they work out. I've been trying to get in touch with a few people about them. I just have to be patient, which isn't exactly a strong suit. Well, not all the time. In most situations I am uber patient. Others, not so much... which is typical among women.

If you don't mind, I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I do some transitioning and start these new projects.. I would very much appreciate it.

Also, if there is anything in your life you need prayer for, please email me at or post a comment. Or if you'd like to grab coffee to talk, let me know. I'd like a distraction from my "issues." :)

In His Grace,


American Idol: Adam Lambert

For those of you that enjoy Adam Lambert, I'd like you to see how he spends some of his free time.A PERFECT choice for American Idol!

Miss USA 2009

The Miss USA pageant aired last night and although I didn't watch it, I did hear about the Miss California controversy.

Here is a YouTube video of Perez Hilton's question and her answer.

A more appropriate answer for this question probably would have been, "Perez, this is a very controversial topic in today's society. I think the best thing about America is that each state has the right to chose what laws they have about same-sex marriages. I believe that we need to be tolerant of the states that pass same-sex marriage and we also need to respect the states that haven't voted it in."

Don't get me wrong, I am very proud that this young woman stated her feelings against gay marriage, but I think that as Miss USA, she needs to be a figure of unity.

Now, the reason I bring this up at all is that the media, Perez Hilton and every gay person out there is attacking Carrie Prejean (Miss California) for her belief system.

This is unwarranted and unjust. We say that we respect all opinions, yet when voiced they are attacked.

In recent elections, the majority California voters passed Proposition 8 which Eliminates the Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. Somehow, this vote has been appealed and is now going through the court system. What I can't believe is that 7,001,084 of the most liberal state there is voted YES on Prop 8 and it is still being challenged as though all of the US citizens that voted yes are somehow incompetent at voting.

I'm getting discouraged with the fact that most people that are against same sex marriage are not against homosexuals and they are not homophobes. Each state has the right to vote in favor or against legalizing same sex marriage. If its for, then fine. If it's against, then fine. Majority rules in this Country...

Well, except in picking the President.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Other Side of The Road

For those of you that have been following the beginning, middle and end of my last relationship, you can see his side of it here.

I would like you all to read it and if you'd like, let me know your thoughts on it. I'm interested to see what you think of his "explanations."

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Rants and...More Rants!

A lot is happening at such a fast pace.

I've wanted to write every night since last week, but I just haven't had the time or the energy. A few nights after my last post, my Mom called me. She told me that she had read it and that it had made her cry. She had been at work at the time. She couldn't believe what I had written. How fooled we all were.

I've been asked if I have heard from Michael at all. I haven't.

The part of my life that I have been really enjoying is being involved in the Young Republicans of Kings County organization. I've been helping the group with putting together the fund-raising letter and the fliers for an event we are hosting. Danny Gilmore is coming to Mary Queen Immaculate school in Lemoore on April 18 at 3 to talk to all who are interested about the water issues that the west valley is facing.

I'm so happy to be involved with a group of people that share the conservative values that I have. As time progresses our culture is sinking into quicksand. Our country is swimming in debt that even my great grandchildren will deal with. The government is out of control. Our people are swimming in their own debt, maybe because of the horrid example of a government we have. There are basically no family values anymore. Most parents don't give a crap about their childrens' education, development and health. It really breaks my heart.

I'm afraid that I feel that private industry can do pretty much anything better than the government. They are so inefficient. I also feel that we need to return to the roots of this country. When did we lose the ideal that our politicians are our employees? We VOTE them into office. WE give them their job. Yet they vote for their own raises? They are in office for years without any accomplishment and then can retire of 100% salary when there are state employees, like myself, that don't even have benefits? Its ludicrous. Honestly, it is.

Now, this week, two states - Iowa and Vermont - have voting to legalize gay marriage. Washington, DC has voted to acknowledge same-sex marriage performed in other states. This is so confusing and so disappointing for me.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate anyone. I have nothing against people that chose to live a life that involves a partnership with person of the same sex. I love them just the same as I love anyone else. I don't judge them. However, I do believe that it is a choice. I do believe that it is a sin. It is just as bad as any other sin. I'm no better than a homosexual just because instead of being in a relationship with a girl, I lie, cuss and have other temptations.

I think we all forget that each any every one of us has a purpose. God created Man and Woman. And even if you don't believe in God, we can all agree that there is only two sexes. Male and Female. There are many ways to tell the difference. When I explain this I like to use something that is basic and that we use all the time. Electricity. Please tell me when you have plugged in a female plug into another female plug and got any type of reaction. How about a male plug with another male plug? I have absentmindedly actually tried to plug to female parts together while doing Christmas trees. Guess what? Nothing happened. There was no purpose to do that. They were not made for each other. This is the same with same-sex marriages. A man was designed for a female. A female was designed for a male. And I mean this on more than just a reproductive level.

Obviously, I'm not for gay marriage. However, I do believe that if you have committed yourself to someone else you can opt to have a union that recognizes your commitment. That will be accepted by insurance companies. I can't tell someone that they can't commit themselves to another person and not be able to take care of them with insurance and other 'married' things. But I do believe we need to keep the two things separate. And unfortunately

Anyways, let me step off my soapbox. It saddens me where we are going. It saddens me that the family unit has been completely torn apart. It upsets me that people make excuses for absolutely everything. And honestly, I include myself in that.

More updates to come. I'm over at Kari and Adam's and we'll be watching American Idol for the next hour.


Sunday, April 5, 2009

A Happy Sunday...

Last night Denise, Mike and I went to the Laton Rodeo. It was so fun. Denise and I danced while Michael hung out with his friends. I really need to go dancing more often.

Today, I woke up early to go to church. It was 9:40 in the morning and Denise decides to wake up and wash her face right as I'm leaning over to put my eyeliner on. And a snip and her and say, "You know Denise? I have to leave soon and you decide to pick right NOW to get up and wash your face? Bad timing!" And she gives me this look like, I'm crazy. She says, "Megan, its like 9:30, we don't have to leave until 10:15. And I say, "No, I want to leave at ten because I want to get coffee. Wait, We? Are you going to church?" and shes like, "Uhh, YEAH. Why else would I be up right now?" I was like, "Oh. Okay. AWESOME!" I felt bad for a minute for that, haha. Usually she tells me when we're going to go.

My Mom bought me a new Bible, a really awesome King James Version that is a Woman's Study Bible. I was SO stoked! And she got my name inscribed in the cover. It says "Megan Lauriana" all pretty like. I love it. So church was especially awesome because I could actually follow along with Pastor Kenny. After church we rushed home so that I could bake some cornbread for a church homegroup that I was invited to. Denise came with me and it ended up being a really great experience. One that I am really excited for.

In even BETTER news, Denise is really finding her own way back to the Lord. You can read about it here. I'm so happy about it.

My life is starting to move so fast and I really feel that some life changing events are coming, which is really exciting!

Friday, April 3, 2009

I'm Mad and I'm Heartbroken

In 2001 this man decided to create a website.

Do you recognize him? This gentleman's name is Noel Biderman. Ring any bells? No? Okay, this man is the person who is responsible for unleashing a marketing blitz that contained this on a billboard in LA:

And this one in New York:

This man, Noel Biderman, created a haven for men and woman to pay a fee, log on, and find a person to have an affair with that would give them complete discretion.

What is WORSE than this "man" starting this website? TWO AND A HALF MILLION people have joined this website.

How sick and how sad. Mr. Biderman has facilitated the act of deceit in a marriage. He has created a place where people can come guilt free to have an affair. What destruction. I'm sure that his website has helped the fall of many marriages and families. This man has helped cause pain and suffering in peoples lives.

But he can't be solely to blame. He may have created this website, but he created it because he saw that there was a market for it. He saw how many people have affairs, how many people want to. He knew that he could become a rich man because of the market for adultery.

This is what makes me angry. It makes me angry that people are so selfish and consumed with sexual temptation that they will cheat on someone else. Why not just leave? Why do complete damage? Why tear your wife/husband to shreds because you can't keep the buttons on your pants closed? To think of all the children that are affected by this. The trust issues that it leaves on your partner and your children.

It seriously breaks my heart.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Strengthening Me

I had made a personal promise to not mention Michael in my blog again. I really didn't think that there was any reason to continue writing about him.

Last night he gave me a reason.

Michael told me that the entire time we were dating, he would get high and talk to me. And that I was an idiot because I couldn't tell. He said that I was close-minded because I've never gotten high, and basically said I was a idiot because I didn't get drunk. He also said that I was a robot with pre-programmed mindsets.

I was so hurt. Devastated. And that is not even 1/3 of our conversation. As soon as he told me that the whole time he had been deceiving me I started crying. How hurtful. While I was here in Hanford, trusting him, he was screwing around behind my back. That burns. I wish that I could say, "Well it doesn't matter, because the whole time that we were dating I was (lying, cheating, w/e)." Just because I want to hurt him, but I can't. The fact is, is that the entire time I was trying to "lay a good foundation without cracks so that our relationship might have a future." That was my thought process.

The worst part of it all is probably that he doesn't feel any stitch of remorse. Because he can't understand why I don't get high or won't date someone who gets high, he discounted my feelings because they were illogical to him. Nevertheless that they were logical and meant something to me. Who cares about that. If it doesn't make sense to him, he'll brush it off and say what he needs to appease whoever he is dealing with.

Denise and her sister Danette came home and I was in my room sobbing. After they managed to calm me down, I told them what happened. What was said as best as I could remember it. Denise's first spoken words were, "I can't believe how much Michael has turned out to be an ass."

It saddens me because I feel that he is so jaded. How can any human being feel that deceiving someone the whole of their relationship is not worse than a person leaving their significant other when a situation goes bad?

He even had the gall to say that my taking Maxalt, for my migraines, is worse than what he does. That, right there, told me that this dude has some major issues. If anything my migraines are more like getting high than anything else. When they get really bad I'm lethargic and I hallucinate. Besides the pain, because I hear you can't feel any with drugs, they are probably a lot like shooting up. When I take the Maxalt, it remedies that. The medication puts me slowly but surely back together so that I can think, feel. It heals something as best as it can for the time being.

While I was talking to Big D and Lil D, I told them that I don't feel like I'm close minded. I don't shun anyone away if they do drugs. I don't judge them. I know and have hung out with people that get high. I watch movies that have characters that get high. It doesn't affect me. It's just not my choice, not the way I live my life. Danette said that its ridiculous that he would say I was close minded. She said, "You don't have to stick a needle in your arm to know that you don't want to do heroin. You don't have to hang out with or date someone who is addicted to crack to know that you don't want to be around it."

I HAVE dated someone who would get high, even occasionally. It became a highly volatile relationship. I already have a relationship with someone that cannot get their life together because of alcohol, I don't want another one. I know that I don't want that in my life, more than ever because of this past relationship.

Somehow, at the end of the conversation I honestly felt that I was a bad person because I didn't choose to do bad things. It's like, I've done and experienced EVERYTHING. I've put myself in bad situations, I've gotten drunk with people I shouldn't have, I've been immoral and ugly to people, I've ruined other peoples relationships for my own entertainment. The one thing that I knew from the get-go that I didn't even want to try was drugs. Other than that, I've done just about everything else that I could that was rebellious. And now? I know what I want.

I want to continue my quest to get closer to God. I want to get involved in the community and in my church. I want to try to make the right decisions, the ones that honor God. I don't want to live for me anymore. I want to have a purpose. I want to change the world, but I know that even if I don't and I only help one person, that will be enough for me to keep going.

Last night I was attacked for my values, my feelings and my beliefs. I have a feeling that it won't be the last time. But next time, I feel that I'll be a bit more prepared to handle the situation. I think what really threw me was that this person was supposed to care for me at one point. He told me that he loved who and how I was. Obviously, that wasn't the case. But it's not the end of the world either.

Life goes on. I will live my life and continue to try to make the right decisions at every turn - regardless of any persecution for my "closemindedness."

Moving on from that, today is a beautiful day. And I intend on enjoying every single moment that I can of it.