Strengthening Me

I had made a personal promise to not mention Michael in my blog again. I really didn't think that there was any reason to continue writing about him.

Last night he gave me a reason.

Michael told me that the entire time we were dating, he would get high and talk to me. And that I was an idiot because I couldn't tell. He said that I was close-minded because I've never gotten high, and basically said I was a idiot because I didn't get drunk. He also said that I was a robot with pre-programmed mindsets.

I was so hurt. Devastated. And that is not even 1/3 of our conversation. As soon as he told me that the whole time he had been deceiving me I started crying. How hurtful. While I was here in Hanford, trusting him, he was screwing around behind my back. That burns. I wish that I could say, "Well it doesn't matter, because the whole time that we were dating I was (lying, cheating, w/e)." Just because I want to hurt him, but I can't. The fact is, is that the entire time I was trying to "lay a good foundation without cracks so that our relationship might have a future." That was my thought process.

The worst part of it all is probably that he doesn't feel any stitch of remorse. Because he can't understand why I don't get high or won't date someone who gets high, he discounted my feelings because they were illogical to him. Nevertheless that they were logical and meant something to me. Who cares about that. If it doesn't make sense to him, he'll brush it off and say what he needs to appease whoever he is dealing with.

Denise and her sister Danette came home and I was in my room sobbing. After they managed to calm me down, I told them what happened. What was said as best as I could remember it. Denise's first spoken words were, "I can't believe how much Michael has turned out to be an ass."

It saddens me because I feel that he is so jaded. How can any human being feel that deceiving someone the whole of their relationship is not worse than a person leaving their significant other when a situation goes bad?

He even had the gall to say that my taking Maxalt, for my migraines, is worse than what he does. That, right there, told me that this dude has some major issues. If anything my migraines are more like getting high than anything else. When they get really bad I'm lethargic and I hallucinate. Besides the pain, because I hear you can't feel any with drugs, they are probably a lot like shooting up. When I take the Maxalt, it remedies that. The medication puts me slowly but surely back together so that I can think, feel. It heals something as best as it can for the time being.

While I was talking to Big D and Lil D, I told them that I don't feel like I'm close minded. I don't shun anyone away if they do drugs. I don't judge them. I know and have hung out with people that get high. I watch movies that have characters that get high. It doesn't affect me. It's just not my choice, not the way I live my life. Danette said that its ridiculous that he would say I was close minded. She said, "You don't have to stick a needle in your arm to know that you don't want to do heroin. You don't have to hang out with or date someone who is addicted to crack to know that you don't want to be around it."

I HAVE dated someone who would get high, even occasionally. It became a highly volatile relationship. I already have a relationship with someone that cannot get their life together because of alcohol, I don't want another one. I know that I don't want that in my life, more than ever because of this past relationship.

Somehow, at the end of the conversation I honestly felt that I was a bad person because I didn't choose to do bad things. It's like, I've done and experienced EVERYTHING. I've put myself in bad situations, I've gotten drunk with people I shouldn't have, I've been immoral and ugly to people, I've ruined other peoples relationships for my own entertainment. The one thing that I knew from the get-go that I didn't even want to try was drugs. Other than that, I've done just about everything else that I could that was rebellious. And now? I know what I want.

I want to continue my quest to get closer to God. I want to get involved in the community and in my church. I want to try to make the right decisions, the ones that honor God. I don't want to live for me anymore. I want to have a purpose. I want to change the world, but I know that even if I don't and I only help one person, that will be enough for me to keep going.

Last night I was attacked for my values, my feelings and my beliefs. I have a feeling that it won't be the last time. But next time, I feel that I'll be a bit more prepared to handle the situation. I think what really threw me was that this person was supposed to care for me at one point. He told me that he loved who and how I was. Obviously, that wasn't the case. But it's not the end of the world either.

Life goes on. I will live my life and continue to try to make the right decisions at every turn - regardless of any persecution for my "closemindedness."

Moving on from that, today is a beautiful day. And I intend on enjoying every single moment that I can of it.